Do you live with a retired guy?
You know that fixture in your house that never goes out the door. He gets in the way every time you’re in the kitchen and asks you endless questions while you’re trying to concentrate. Living with someone who's been put out to pasture isn't easy.
There are some couples who are attached at the hip and can't get enough of each other even after living together for decades. They’ve been happy as clams since high school.
. . . then there are the rest of us
It’s not that I want to get rid of my retired guy. He comes in handy sometimes, like when I come home with bags of groceries. It makes him feel manly to haul them into the house. Then he throws his back out. Suddenly, he’s twisting on the floor cursing a blue streak. Cue the drama police.
One thing that drives me crazy is when he rearranges the dishwasher after I've loaded it. It's not like he actually washes the dishes. He piles everything into the dishwasher even if it's not supposed to be there and leaves the rest soaking in the sink. I still haven't figured out why a salad bowl needs to soak.
He also walks around the house in a tattered old robe with his junk hanging out at 2 in the afternoon. A man with a pot belly in his 60's, who won’t get dressed, and hasn’t taken a shower in a week isn't a candidate for sex symbol of the year.
Most days, he closes the door to his office and fiddles around with his computer pretending to work. I know what he’s really fiddling with. I've walked in to ask him a question and suddenly boobies pop up on his screen. He frantically tries to cover it up and acts like nothing happened. Our sex life is non-existent. I've been replaced by a rat terrier who he's fallen madly in love with.
His office looks like a tornado hit it. I refuse to vacuum it because the floor is covered with boxes and plastic bags piled high with papers. His organizing system is a mystery that only he can decipher. If I dare to move an item to a new location, he freaks out and throws a tantrum. His brain isn’t hot wired for change.
I don't even want to talk about his bathroom. I'm still traumatized from having to clean it after he spent a stint in the hospital only to find out that nothing was wrong.
If I didn’t live with him, our house would be covered in duct tape and electrical wires. What is it with guys and wires? All our outlets have at least 9 devices plugged in at the same time. If wires aren’t running all over the walls he isn't happy.
He’s obsessed with heaters and fans. I’m either burning up or having my contacts blown out of my eyeballs.
Then there’s the remote. I'm pretty tech savvy but can't figure out how to operate the TV. The way he has it setup, we have 7 separate remotes and I have no clue what 5 of them are for. If I want to watch a DVD in the living room, I have to wait until he’s around to turn it on or I'm out of luck. I miss the days when TVs had one on and off switch and rabbit ears.
He won't watch a show unless it's been pre-recorded on the DVR so he can skip all the commercials. Don't men realize that women need to pee once in a while?
Losing weight is impossible when he’s around. If I start making a healthy veggie omelet he'll ask me to throw in a greasy hunk of sausage.
In the bedroom, I have the teensy closet and he has the big one. He needs it to store his 200 Hawaiian shirts that he refuses to give up. A fashion plate, he’s not.
My biggest wish is that he gets a job at Walmart as a greeter so he's out of the house and out of my hair.
Let's suffice it to say living with a retired guy is not what I signed up for.