A mom tearfully told me that she doesn't know how to feel loving with her 13-year old son any more. He's been so difficult that all she sees are his behaviors, the ones that frustrate and anger her, and make her feel hopeless.
Verbalizing this is beyond difficult. It's painful and guilt-inducing. Don't despair. There is something you can do it about it. When I shared today's tip with her, a clear shift occurred. I could see hope and possibility on her face and in her body language. The next time we spoke she reported an easing of tensions and some beautiful moments with her son.
When you’re going through a rough patch, it’s easy to focus on your child’s behaviors that drive you nuts. Toddlers, teens and young adults, tantrums, learning differences and addictions – you may wonder, “What happened to that sweet child I used to know? I know you’re in there somewhere!” You begin to lose sight of the beautiful person hidden behind those frustrating and distressing behaviors.
She’s in there somewhere. How do you find her again?
Close your eyes. Think back to a time before the craziness started. Remember that sweet child who put a smile on your face. What did she do that melted your heart? Are you there now, feeling the pure joy of the moment? Good.
Now be on the lookout for a time when your child is calm and approachable. Pull out that soft, warm memory and share it. Watch the person you love reappear. This is how you re-establish connection and relationship.
Whether you've reached your threshold or are just having a bad day, try looking beyond your child’s behaviors. Small miracles can happen.
She is so much more than her behaviors… and you have the ability to help her remember, too.
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Fern Weis is a Parent Coach and Family Recovery Life Coach. She works with parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, from homework battles to addiction recovery, and all points in between. Fern helps parents release guilt, end enabling, and confidently prepare their children to reach their unique potential and be successful through life’s challenges. www.fernweis.com, www.familyrecoverypartners.com
Fern is the Parenting Expert at Change Your Attitude...Change Your Life, heard on NYC’s WOR710AM radio. Listen to her interviews on CYACYL, and audio tips on Soundcloud.