Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places? The Power of Shadow Motivation in Relationships

"The law of cause and effect recognizes that the intention informs the cause. Before you take an action, there is a reason for you in taking that action. And the reason for the action is what's going to show up in your life on the other end." - Oprah

Your actions, and the reasons behind the actions, are filled with rich information about your underlying motives.

Getting curious about where you are coming from inside is often far more revealing and liberating to observe rather than focus on the the thing you are doing that you may not like.

All behaviors have an underlying motivation that belies your inner reality.

Your behaviors reveal what you really believe, which points you in the direction of how you really feel.

This often contradicts what you think you should feel, based on all of your personal growth work, which may be mental, idealistic and out of reach at times.

As Carl Jung has wisely stated ”Wholeness for humans means the ability to own their own shadow. Until you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside you is only a reflection of the world inside you....To confront a person with their shadow is to show them their own light”.

The shadow side of base romantic attraction, which likely stems from your unexplored Loveprint, has you being run by the Shadow Motivation of chemistry, your comfort zone and the checklist of the Little Girl. In essence, you may be seeking to fill a hole.

Think of having one foot in your old Loveprint (the messages you received based on your early Intimacy Model, which served as your blueprint for love, intimacy, sex and connection) and one foot in your new Loveprint, the new story that allows greater authenticity, happiness and lasting love to flourish.

The distance between the two is what we seek to move closer.

The Journey of Extraordinary Love bridges that gap, helping you to release these old beliefs from your Loveprint, to heal the feelings that come up that may keep you repeating the same old thing that you don’t feel great about so you may close the gap between what you say and what you do and actually live into your new Loveprint.

Relationships always match your underlying Shadow Motivation.

Something that was missing in childhood becomes a deficit that you go around doing your best to fulfill - and your old Loveprint will want it to be fulfilled by someone else because you may have not been taught to believe that you have this power.

If you don’t feel good enough, he’ll reflect that back to you.

If you feel unlovable and want a mate to feel loved, you’ll likely attract someone that reinforces how unlovable you feel. If you feel unworthy, you will draw towards you a man who does not respect or honor you.

If you are motivated to mate from a place of deficiency, to fill up a hole - what you will find is a relationship that is filled with holes.

If you’re motivated from sharing from your overflow - you’ll get a man who shares from his overflow.

Whereas, by regularly filling your cup first, you’ll be giving from your overflow and you’ll attract a man that reflects this wholeness.

What this means is that by identifying your Shadow Motivation, the intention behind the action, you’ll see what is being played out in your own consciousness in the form of issues, is actually a direct pathway from your higher self helping you grow stronger and to free yourself from limitation.

So, how do you know if you are operating from Shadow Motivation?

If when you get really honest with yourself, is your motivation in love and romance coming from:

  • Deficiency, Lack, Scarcity - “I’ll never meet another man I truly connect with. LA isn’t a good place to date. Good men are hard to find. I may as well stay unhappy and in a miserable relationship instead of being single and alone.” You may find yourself attached to an outcome with a man before you even know if he is good for you.
  • Fear - “What if I need to settle? What if I’m too old? What if my heart breaks, again? What if I feel suffocated? What if I never meet anyone to start a family with?” You may be grasping, anxious or fretful.
  • Insecurity - “Maybe something really is wrong with me? Any attention is better than nothing, so I’ll keep taking crumbs. What if they leave me or I feel jealous all of the time?” You may feel uneasy, unsettled and distracted, constantly checking your dating apps or text messages and become emotionally invested too soon.
  • Unworthiness - “I don’t like being alone so I’d rather date a dud. I can never really meet someone that I genuinely love so I’ll just stay single or go out with losers.” You may be overly perfectionistic or critical. It may be too hard to get close to you or you give yourself away too easily.

The way out is the way through. The next time you notice Shadow Motivation rearing it’s head, causing you to feel yourself contracting, grasping or resisting love, try this practice:

1. Close your eyes gently.

2. Slow your breathing.

3. Place your hand on your heart. Imagine breathing in and out of your heart, as if your heart is doing the breathing.

4. Ask yourself “What am I believing? What is the story I am telling myself about this (x, person, place, experience, longing, etc)?”

5. Now ask yourself “What am I feeling?” Go ahead and name it. Maybe it’s confusion, sadness or loneliness. The intention is not to change the belief or feeling right now, it is to simply notice what is present behind the scenes, which may be fuel for Shadow Motivation, seeking to get your attention.

6. Next, talk to yourself as if you are speaking to a beloved pet or child you care for. “I love you, I am here for you. I want you to be happy. I care about you. It’s safe to relax. It’s safe to let love in.”

Remember, your true nature is loving. The loving within your very own heart has the power to heal all.

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