LOOTING CONTINUES ON HUFFINGTON POST
Additional National Guard members were ordered to combat looting that has erupted at the Huffington Post today. The troops have already witnessed brazen incidents of criminality since the disaster began, as Huffposters gleefully sift among gnarled wreckage and corpses to find any blunt or broken object to swing at an administration they detest. "Looters are grabbing whatever they can to make themselves look smart, and make Bush look or feel bad," Greg Gutfeld said in a telephone interview, hiding under his desk. "They're taking everything that isn't nailed down! It's not just to survive, they're using the dead for personal gain... PLEASE SEND HELP!"
Even though the disaster has killed an untold number of people, Huffposters have embraced the tragedy as a wonderful opportunity to pile on the president - even a member of the Kennedy family joined in. "As long as he is blogging," says one expert, "we know he's not raiding the clinic."
Meanwhile, witnesses have seen looters like Deanne Stillman mine the tragedy for cool watery metaphors. "People keep saying that the tide is turning against Bush," she writes, as bloated bodies float by. "Perhaps this flood is that literal tide...as we finally turn our backs on the big, handsome brute from Texas who is destroying our home." Also spotted, a clumsy Russian woman sifts through the debris for a plate of blame. "We are, in effect, being led from disaster to disaster by a headless horseman run amok with stuffed pockets and an empty conscience, " says Larisa Alexandrovna, who when questioned, claimed she was a poet. "You wouldn't know it," came the response, which confused her, because it actually rhymed (in iambic pentameter).
Elsewhere looters followed Bree Walker's example, linking the disaster to Bush's economy by reminding us that the troubled poor must be music "to the ears of the neocons. The rich are getting richer and the rest of the population are frozen out-- this is the perfect embodiment of the neocon design." Meanwhile, graduates of community college creative writing classes crafted open letters to the president. "I'm a lifelong Democrat and you're a Republican on the ropes, but for the good of the country I will give you a little advice," writes Trey Ellis, who should really be writing letters to his own children (the ones living with mom).
Refusing to step out of character for a moment -- Huffers are unable to even feel anything for the victims. People who might have been smart once, are in the final throes of being eaten up by the bad ideas they've ingested. Randall Robinson, in a link-free reference, "reports" that "black hurricane victims in New Orleans have begun eating corpses to survive." We've tried to find published reports of that, but there aren't any. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking. Robinson is always looking for a free meal.
Meanwhile, the more sordid types simply find pleasure in the misfortune of others. "I also couldn't help but smile a little bit as I watched people pull their SUVs up to the pumps,"says Richard "Blow" Bradley. "I've never liked SUVs, so part of me is happy to see them suddenly become the bane of their owners' existence. I don't mean to be gloomy, but we could be seeing the toughest times in this country in seventy years." Most officials agree: Blow doesn't mean to be gloomy at all!
The contaminated floodwaters and dead bodies present a health problem, reporters say, as people have reported a "stench" in the water. But that smell could simply be the looters' leader, who has been seen wading through the floating muck, just to scold the president for insensitivity. "The president's 35-minute Air Force One flyover of Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama was the perfect metaphor for his entire presidency: detached, disconnected, and disengaged. Preferring to take in America's suffering -- whether caused by the war in Iraq or Hurricane Katrina -- from a distance," she says, from...her seven-figure home. "To the growing list of collateral damage caused by the Iraq war and Bush's stunningly inept leadership, we can now add the city of New Orleans."
Will the looting continue? Probably not. According to experts familiar with the Huffington Post, the ghouls will grow tired and bored with using the dead, and return, probably in a week or so, to write about Cindy Sheehan - who, as we speak, is sitting in a corner, anxiously tapping her foot. Maybe she's hoping that Tropical Depression Lee, which is about 780 miles east of Bermuda, doesn't turn out to be anything really spectacular.