10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Turning Pro

  1. That I'd need to know how to swim and dive as part of being a comedian. Could anybody have seen that coming?

  • That even a really fun job involves a lot of hard work.
  • As strange as it may sound, in order to truly be a off-the-cuff performer, you have to be prepared.
  • That even after you get really good, you'll still occasionally have crowds that don't laugh. The good part is that it keeps me from getting too full of myself. (Though I'd trade that spiritual gift in a second for crowds that always laugh.)
  • That it's just as hard to get paid on time from major studios as it is from comedy club owners in Minneapolis. And most importantly: Always ask for cash.
  • That "Do Not Disturb" signs mean nothing to maids. That's why I always put Crime Scene tape across my door. It's the only thing that keeps them out.
  • How expensive hotel dry-cleaning is. I mean, $10 a sock? Really?
  • That no matter how successful you get, you'll still have to stand in security lines at airports. And why do I always get behind the guy wearing camouflage pants with 30 pockets and a belt buckle the size of a Buick?
  • How important it is to enjoy the journey instead of always being focused on the destination. Looking back, I sure wish I had stopped to smell the roses instead of stopping to eat the corned-beef.
  • When anybody asks you to make a list of 10 things, give them thirteen because they won't like three of them, no matter how good they are. I'm just sayin'. You should see the three they made me cut.
  • Louie Anderson appears in ABC's Splash

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