As reports of playground taunting and attacks against minorities start to hit headlines, people from all sides are asking, “How bad will this get?”
The country as a whole is bracing itself for what is inevitably coming, CHANGE.
Let’s get real here. People aren’t comfortable with change, even when they’ve asked for it.
Across social media, folks are canceling holiday plans to avoid arguments. Friendships of 20 years are breaking down in online screaming matches. People are afraid. And understandably so.
I find myself once again wondering, “What is my part in all of this? What can one person actually do?”
In a word, listen.
We can LISTEN.
I can hear you right now, scoffing at this simple answer.
“That’s it? That’s what you propose is going to help us? Seriously? Lady, you’re crazy.”
I know. I get it. It’s too simple. It’s too easy/ cheap/ dumb/ insane/ obvious to solve the complex problems that we face right now. How can I even suggest such a thing?
Hear me out.
We all know and love people on the other side of this controversy. But when I look at my family, friends, and acquaintances who voted differently than me, I see a lot more similarities than differences.
In a race to avoid anything mildly outside of our comfort zone, we plant ourselves firmly in place. We use all of our energy to get our point across. We do everything in our power to get the other side to change.
We scream and stomp. We point fingers, throw accusations, and place blame. Let’s be honest here, bullying is happening on both sides of this whole mess.
So what do you think would happen if we all opened up our ears and shut our mouths? What if we all, just for a moment, tried to understand the motivations of the people we oppose?
Listening is tough work! This is why most people don’t do it. Not only is it tough, but most of us don’t know how.
We don’t listen because we want to be heard. We don’t listen because we know they are wrong. We don’t listen because we know we’re right.
And in all of this non-listening, we miss the whole point of being human, which (hello, wake up people) is to live with others.
So then, how do we begin to listen?
Be open
Sit with an open posture, uncross your arms from your chest. Open postures increase our confidence, which leaves us feeling less defensive. Leave yourself open to seeing things differently. We aren’t on a debate team. This is real life. These people are your parents, siblings, uncles, co-worker, friends. Come on people, let’s all try to get along!
Be encouraging
While you’re listening, encourage the other person to keep talking. Ask them open questions like, “Wow, what made you feel that way?” or “Can you tell me more about why you value that?” People want to be heard. Listening is validating. It also simmers down the tension. Listening relieves the pressure. It’s cathartic for the person who’s being heard.
Be curious
Openly wonder about the topic with the person you are listening to. Express appreciation to the person for being vulnerable. Be genuinely interested in learning about their side, their values, their beliefs, even if they are different from your own.
It’s simple, but it isn’t easy.
So, before you cancel your holiday plans, or unfriend Uncle Bob on social media, give this a try. It might not change the other person’s viewpoint, but it will change you. And that’s where all transformation begins, within ourselves. Listening is more powerful in person, so hold off on pressing send on those righteous comments you spent all night composing, and meet for coffee or go for a walk. Try to meet the person eye-to-eye.
Listening is a simple answer, but it works. I’d even argue that throughout history, it’s the only thing that ever has.
Erica Thibodeaux is a licensed professional counselor in private practice Winona, MN. Erica has taught mindfulness meditation in diverse settings such as universities, corporate environments, and local organizations. Erica is also the founder of Camp Empower, an organization dedicated to empowering teen girls in SE Minnesota. Learn more about her at http://augustintegrativetherapy.com