Love and Marriage (After the Election)

Written by Rabbi Hillel Skolnik of the Southwest Orlando Jewish Congregation, with journalist Sara Au

In the initial aftermath of the election, there were many articles about how to talk with your children about the results, but there weren't many about how to talk with your spouse. Now that the election is over and Thanksgiving (which may have included conflicts with extended family) has passed, there is some settling in that needs to happen in many marriages, at least for the next four years.

You and your wife or husband may still be coming to terms with the results, and the outcome of the election may or may not change your everyday lives. Regardless of how you each dealt with your feelings during the campaign, now is the time to reassess and recommit to each other so that at the very least your bond with each other can grow stronger.

Here are just a few thoughts on how you can do this:

1. Our actions say as much as our words. Regardless of whether you agreed or disagreed with each other, you may now feel at a loss for words. Some may even feel a bit of depression. Respect your own feelings and those of your spouse, but try hard not to lapse into non-communication. If you cannot connect verbally, make sure you connect physically. And we don't just mean sex, although that's a perfectly wonderful way to communicate. Hugs are a must and should be given often. A gentle touch of a hand can say a great deal. A little squeeze of the arm or shoulder can convey love in a moment of time where your spouse may need it most.
2. Understand that emotions are running high. It's true that many times in a relationship, the emotions that come through in discussions, arguments or fights are not actually about frustrations inside the home but about those from the outside. Keep in mind that your spouse may be feeling tense or dispirited by what happened at work, or a conversation overheard in the grocery aisle, or something that was reported on the news. A marriage and your family home need to be a safe space to be emotional. That means accepting the fact that sometimes we're in the firing range when we're not really the target, and making the conscious decision to not fire back. Try to see what's behind those emotions and support your wife or husband as s/he navigates the outside world.
3. Pitch in where needed, even if that's different than before. A marriage is a partnership, and if you've been married for a while, you may have fallen into a pattern of support - dividing household duties and a general schedule. For some people, this election has brought out a desire to make their voice heard. This could be volunteering at a new organization (one with which you may or may not agree), attending a protest or rally, or even considering a run for office. Supporting your spouse while they explore any newly-founded aspirations may mean, of course, emotional support, it may mean figuring out some financial support, but it also could mean taking over chores or duties your spouse used to do. Make dinner, unclog the sink, drive the kids to practice, take the trash out, and even take over all household care if your spouse has to go out of town for a day or longer - when you see something that needs doing, do it!

Yes, Thanksgiving is over but the holidays are just getting started. In the next few weeks we'll find ourselves at office parties and more family gatherings which are sure to be a venue for continued discussion about the election and the ongoing transition. The coming years will likely bring more of the same. While it is out of our control whether those moments turn out to be the safe spaces we all look for, what we can do is make sure our relationships with our spouses are supportive and worthy of being something for which we're thankful.