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Love, Sex and Mindfulness

Love and sex are meant to be experienced mindfully so that you can honor both you and your partner's "whole" being. The more you come to know your own awareness of "self" the more you can participate in conscious intimacy.
07/15/2015 10:16am ET | Updated July 15, 2016
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I lead a workshop called Love, Sex and Mindfulness. As a life coach and mindfulness meditation teacher, my work is primarily about helping people be in the present, and put their focus and awareness on what they're feeling and experiencing in the "now," which means in real time, the very moment that's existing.

You might think that when it comes to love and sex, that's where we are most present, but the truth is, those are the two areas where we can be fully present the least, even though we're there physically. Just because we tell someone we love them, or offer our body sexually, doesn't necessarily mean we've let our complete guard down, or allowed ourselves to be penetrated more than just sexually. If you don't show up to any act of intimacy with your mind fully focused on your partner with total awareness, and grounded with a clear intention as to why you're with them romantically or sexually, then the "whole" you isn't there, and whoever you're with will feel it, whether they tell you or not.

This is why, I believe, that intimacy without mindfulness is intimacy without awareness, and intimacy without awareness is not total closeness, but rather semi-closeness, which again is not the whole self being present with another person. If that's the case, it's almost impossible to sustain a healthy relationship that keeps us interested and satisfied for a long period of time because we're not fully present in it to begin with, and can mistake that for something missing outside of ourselves, and look for it elsewhere. This can cause feelings of boredom and frustration, and a revolving door of relationships. When our expectation is for someone else to keep us in the present moment, we place the burden on them to satisfy us when we ourselves are constantly feeling unsatisfied because of our inability to stay present.

So where are we when we're not fully present during two of the most intimate areas in our life -- love and sex? We're either caught somewhere in the past, which has already come and gone, or in the future, which hasn't yet happened. It can also be because we're thinking about someone other than the person we're in a relationship with, which can be the cause of our distraction, preoccupation, or even fantasizing, and if that's the case, why would you be intimate or have sex with someone you're not even thinking about while you're with them?

Mindfulness creates conscious intimacy, and without it, we not only can't be close and open with another person, but we can't be that way with ourselves. True intimacy has to begin with our honest relationship to us first. When we're comfortable expressing the authenticity of our heart and our true sexuality, meaning not holding ourselves or our desires back in any way, only then can we really let another person in close to us to experience love and love-making in the most real and beautiful way possible. Mindfulness liberates us to be who we are in the present. It doesn't keep us trapped in who we once were, or who we think we should or ought to be, but instead allows for who we are right now to reveal itself as honestly and as freely as we can.

If you don't feel that you can express yourself with present time awareness and emotional honesty, you might want to hold off on engaging in intimate or sexual relationships until you've sorted it out in your mind, and the best way to do that is to be with yourself quietly, or in meditation to connect to your core self, which is your inner voice of truth.

Here is a guided meditation to help you do that:

1. Find a quiet place to sit.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Take a deep breath in and out.
4. If your mind begins to wander at any time, bring your focus and awareness back to your breath.
5. Tell yourself, "Let my heart speak only truth to me."
6. Tell yourself, "Let it guide me to where I wish to be."
7. Tell yourself, "I release my inauthentic self."
8. Tell yourself, "I surrender to who I am."
9. Tell yourself, "I choose to be present in all areas of my life."
10 Tell yourself, "I am open and available in love and sex."
11. Take another deep breath in and out.
12. Bring your focus back to ending your meditation.
13. When you're ready open your eyes.
14. Take a few minutes to be with what you're feeling or experiencing in your body.
15. Accept the outcome of your meditation with self-love and non-judgment.

This meditation will help you connect to your most authentic self, and by doing so, set your intentions for the type of relationships you want to manifest in your life.

By meditating on your most real and present self, you're calling forth positive energy to support it, and by doing so can move that energy into your relationships. This will help you connect to your partner more openly, which will allow for a deeper intimacy.

The goal is to be, or enter in love and sexual relationships fully present, and to not engage in intimacy when you are experiencing a lack of present time awareness.

Love and sex are meant to be experienced mindfully so that you can honor both you and your partner's "whole" being. The more you come to know your own awareness of "self" the more you can participate in conscious intimacy.