Love Spells for the Millennial Woman

Halloween is coming, but the love spell books don't apply to the Tinder age. Until now!

Editor's note: None of these love spells are just "make this person be in love with me" because we don't condone that type of spell. We believe in affirmative consent and you can't consent if you're under a spell.

1. Truth Spell: Makes a dude who strikes up a conversation at a bar with the line "I like your glasses" immediately glow red if this is just a tactic to manipulate alt-girls who rarely get hit on by strangers.

2. Clarity Spell: Makes the subtext of g-chats from your co-worker pop up right after the literal text, so you tell if his jokey tone is flirtatious or just an attempt to deflect the awkwardness of him being a professional authority but social peer.

3. Growing Spell: Generates new boys in the friend group who haven't already awkwardly made out with you or dated one of your close friends.

4. Mortality Spell: Makes boys understand they're going to die one day no matter how many women from Tinder they fuck.

5. Honesty Spell: Reveals if the guy you're in a super intense friendship with doesn't want to date because he's not into your personality or not into your looks. If it's looks, the spell then immediately downloads every single body positive think piece directly into his brain, opening up his narrow, societally brainwashed point of view of what's attractive. If it's personality, you just kind of have to take that and maybe examine who you've become in the past few years.

6. Enchantment Spell: Makes cute guys who follow you on Twitter fave all your tweets without worrying if it seems stalker-y.

7. Wandering Spell: Makes the guy who strung you along in college while dating someone else happen to walk by you on the street at the exact moment you're sharing an intimate moment with your new hot boyfriend, and in a flash, realize everything he's lost.

8. Invisible Shield Spell: Bounces off any comment anyone nearby makes rating hotness on a scale of 1-10, so you can pretend just for a little while that we live in a different kind of world.

9. Fertility Spell: Except it's ANTI-fertility, non-hormonal, and lasts five years. And it's a MALE BIRTH CONTROL SPELL.

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