Looking back on the day she sat down on Oprah's couch in 2009 to reveal her 10-year sexual relationship with her famous father, former child star Mackenzie Phillips recalls the exact thoughts that were running through her mind.
"I felt I was sort of in abject terror," she says in the above video from her recent "Oprah: Where Are They Now?" appearance. "I felt like I was trying to climb up a cliff.
"I felt like I was trying to make you believe me," she continues. "I don't know if I thought you wouldn't believe me, I just felt like I was at such a deficit. I felt like, here I was with this long history of substance abuse. I felt like, here I was with this huge piece of information that maybe wasn't even fit for public consumption."
That shocking interview coincided with the release of Phillips' tell-all memoir High on Arrival, which details her battle with drug addiction and dysfunctional childhood, including the incestuous relationship she had with her father, John Phillips of The Mamas and The Papas.
"It became a consensual relationship over time," Phillips said during her "Oprah Show" appearance. "And I know I can't be the only one this has happened to."
Phillips said the decade-long relationship finally came to an end when she became pregnant. "I did not know who the father was," Phillips said. "The implications, the reality, of that … I had an abortion. And I never let him touch me again."
Now, Phillips says she wasn't prepared for the aftermath of going public with such a shocking secret. "I just thought, 'I'm not going to Google this, I’m not going to Google that. I'm just going to tell my story as it happened to me.' But then in retrospect, I realized there was some due diligence that I missed doing."
"Like what?" Oprah asks.
"Like preparing myself for losing my family," Phillips says. "And I guess I was a little naïve. I felt like they would love me no matter what."
Phillips calls herself idealistic and says she did not believe she would be abandoned by her family. "I did not. It didn't enter my consciousness," she says. "And that has been something that I've had to come to terms with."
Oprah asks Phillips if coming forward caused her to lose all of her family members.
"My mother is very supportive and in my life, and my son of course, and my beautiful ex-husband – my son's father – but um, yeah," Phillips says.
“Oprah: Where Are They Now?”, airs Saturdays at 10 p.m. ET on OWN.
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