WARNING: This post contains sexually explicit language. Please read on at your own discretion.
Tie me up; tie me down!
In my last piece, sex educator and real-life submissive Madison Young was here to dish the details on BDSM basics. That piece focused more on how to connect with sexuality and how to open lines of communication with your partner. This week Madison will get into the heavy-duty stuff! If you've always wanted to learn about getting kinky in bed and where to start, she has great ideas.
Jincey: I know you love getting tied up. Can you tell beginners how they can experiment with bondage?
Madison: Bondage can be a fun element of play to experiment with and bring into your erotic reprotoire. There are many reasons that individuals enjoy being tied up in a consenting, safe environment. The two greatest points of interest tend to be:
1. Restraint: Many individuals enjoy the psychological and physical sensation of being bound or restrained. Individuals may experience restraint as a physical manifestation of their psychological surrender -- surrender to their desire, their pleasure and their partner in a safe, pre-consented environment. Partners mutually create a negotiated safe space in which the submissive or bottom is able to relax, feel safe and completely let go while in any choice of different bonds. Many folks experience a sense of freedom within bondage. We are so busy in our constantly changing world to propel ourselves into the next action, forward movement, that we forget to negotiate space for our body to be bound while receiving positive energy from our top or dominant.
2. Fetishizing of the bonds: There are many items that an individual can be bound with: silk scarves, hemp rope, bamboo or silk rope, handcuffs, leather straps, steel shackles, metal chains -- the list goes on and on. For some individuals it's not just about being bound but about what they are being bound with. This can also be part of a fetishizing and eroticizing of a particular object. Personally, I am a rope fetishist. I love rope. I've actually held parties in which different types of rope are paired with different kinds of wine based on the toothiness, boldness, bite of a rope. Rope can vary greatly depending on the material that the rope is made out of. Hemp and jute are two of the more popular natural rope fibers to use. Natural fiber ropes tend to be more fiborous, bite into the skin and are aromatic. Synthetic ropes like nylon are cheaper and are smoother to the touch but feel, well, less natural. It's really a personal preference and another exciting element to explore together with your partner. Have a rope tasting of your own and see what suits your taste.
Now that we know a couple of reasons that we might want to experiment with bondage, let's discuss easy ways to get our toes wet. As with any aspect of BDSM, you will want to negotiate (aka have a conversation) with your partner prior to playing. Talk a bit about what elements of bondage are hot to you and how you imagine yourself being bound, or how you picture binding your partner. Does your fantasy include cuffs? Scarves? Talk about this bondage-oriented fantasy first, and then decide what you would like to explore and when. This could be something like, "There is a rope bondage workshop coming up at Good Vibrations. Let's go to that first and get inspired. I want some practice before I get my hands on you, my love."
If there aren't any workshops on bondage in your area, I highly recommend checking out KinkAcademy.com for some basic bondage tutorials, or, if you have specific interest in rope bondage, reading Chanta Rose's Bondage for Sex. Its truly the Kama Sutra of bondage sex and offers some great step-by-step guides to rope work, knots and tying up your lover or submissive for sex.
Bondage doesn't have to be technique-heavy. It can be simple. Before you bind your partner make sure that you have discussed a safe word. A safe word is a word or phrase that your partner can say at any point during the "scene" so that play stops immediately. People often ask, "Why not just use the word 'stop'?" Well, sometimes with in BDSM play submissives may find it hot to protest within the context of a scene. I personally find it more exciting to say "more please!"
Often folks use "red" for stop and "yellow" for easing up on the intensity of the scene or simply a checking in with the submissive. Checking in with your submissive is super hot and intimate and builds a level of trust that will make your submissive want to follow you further on your mutual journey of erotic kink exploration. Once your safe word is in place and you have discussed your scene, you want to make sure your submissive has gone to the bathroom. I always have to pee right before getting tied up. Next, make sure to have water along with a straw for your submissive. Have handy all the items that you want for the scene. You don't want to leave the room once you have tied up your partner.
If you are new to bondage, a great tool to use first are handcuffs. They are easy to operate and most are very comfortable. Many even have faux fur lining for extra comfort. Also neck ties, silk scarves and stockings are all great items that you can eroticize in use for bondage. An easy tie to do on your bed is a spread eagle. With a spread eagle position your partner is lying on their back and there are bonds on both wrists and both ankles. This could be scarves, neckties or leather cuffs. Then, depending on the size of your bed, secure either the other end of your body to each bond, whether it's a scarf, a necktie, etc.
Don't have a bed with posts? Secure the bonds to the legs of the bed frame. Using leather cuffs and need a quick solution to attaching them to the bed posts? Use dog leashes. Secure your bottom in a comfortable way but bound by arms and legs, creating an X shape pointing toward the four corners of your bed. This does not have to be tight to be effective. You should communicate with your partner while securing them in this position.
It's not a sign of weakness as a submissive to communicate. Remember, this is a mutual exchange of energy and respect. A dominant will respect a submissive who is able to communicate, and you'll be able to continue your play for longer. And a dominant can increase the intimacy in a scene by tenderly and consistently checking in with their submissive, ideally making eye contact and being close to their body when doing this check-in. We are vessels for the exchange of affection, energy, connection and intimacy. Regardless of whether we identify as a top or bottom, we must take care of ourselves physically and emotionally if we are to share in that energy exchange with those that we care about.
Jincey: Do you think "safe words" work? How do you tell your partner you want less (or more) if you're being submissive? Doesn't that ruin all the fun?
Madison: Yes, safe words do work, and we should have them. Safe words are part of the creation of safe space, negotiation, building of trust and acknowledgement of physical and emotional limits, and they give the ability to deeply explore different parts of our psyche and erotic self in a safe way. Safe words are one of many tools that we have to communicate and negotiate in BDSM. Submissives should communicate before, during and after a scene, and it can be sexy.
For example, if you are bound with rope and you find that the rope is pinching your skin on your left arm, a sexy bit of healthy communication might sound as follows:
Sub: Mistress?
Dom: Yes, slut?
Sub: May I have permission to speak, Mistress?
Dom: Yes, slut, you may.
Sub: The rope is pinching my arm, Mistress.
Dom: Oh, well, we can't have that. Let Mistress have a look. Ah, yes, I see. Let me fix that. I need to take good care of my toys if I want to play with them again, don't I, slut?
Sub: Yes, Mistress. Thank you, Mistress. That feels much better.
Dom: You're welcome, slut. Now crawl over here and show my cunt some gratitude for taking such good care of my little toy.
Sub: Yes, Mistress.
Once a submissive has communicated, their play can go on, and it further establishes tenderness, intimacy and the experience of being cared for. I always mind my manners when asking for more of something. For example, if receiving a flogging, after one strike I might say, "Thank you, ma'am, May I have another?"
The bottom line is to be honest with yourself and communicate with your partner on this journey, whether you are a top or a bottom (or a switch, which means that you alternate between the role of top and bottom). It's a journey taken together, and both participants' input is not only needed but makes the scene more connected.
Jincey: A lot of women are really feeling a bit masochistic lately, with the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon. What are some good toys to start with that won't rip your butt to shreds?
Madison: I highly recommend using your hands. Your hands are a great intimate tool that you don't have to go out and spend money on. They are great for spankings and slapping. You can spank thighs, breasts and even the vulva. You can also use your hands to pinch nipples, grab handfuls of flesh and even punch the butt or thighs. Also the great thing about hands is you can really vary the degree of sensation that you are gifting to the submissive and have greater precision with less need for technique than, say, a flogger or whip. You can also try a wooden ruler or wooden kitchen spoon on the butt or thighs (the inner thighs are most sensitive). Also try clothespins. Clothespins are readily accessible and make great clamps for nipples, breasts, inner thighs and labia.
If you feel like buying something with a bit more traditional S&M feel to it, go with leather. I recommend a small, easy-to-handle leather paddle. If you are new to BDSM, you should start out with a lightweight paddle. The heavier the paddle, the more weight, thud and punch the impact will have. So start off with a lightweight, and then experiment with paddles of different weights and materials. Remember, during your scene, keep hydrated, keep breathing, keep communicating and keep connected.
Jincey: How do you know if kinky sex is not for you?
Madison: I think the question is more, "Is kinky sex for you right now?" We are all constantly changing, transforming, shifting and evolving. Just as our lives change, transform, grow, so do our sexual desires, our hormones, our needs for intimacy and our need for sensation. What we want to strive for is a sense of honesty and communication with ourselves and with our partner/s in which we can authentically express our desires as they exist in this very moment. Whether your authentic sexual truth for this moment is that you desire to be tied up with rope and beaten with a 2-by-4 piece of lumber or that you would like to spoon with your partner in your IKEA bed, grinding up against her until you come, well, then that is your truth. There is nothing wrong with either of these scenarios, and it doesn't mean that because you want to spoon your girlfriend right now, you will never have the desire to explore a kinky element of your sexuality. Be honest, and try not to fall hostage to labels for kinky desire. Your sexuality is not dictated by what others believe it should look like.
Jincey: What are some signs to look for that things are not going well in the sex department? In other words, if you've tried kinky sex with your partner and now you're fighting all the time, how do you get back to the love?
Madison: Just because kinky sex is one element of your sexual repertoire, it doesn't have to be an inherent part in every act of intimacy between you and your partner -- unless you both want it to be. If you find that you and your partner are fighting all the time after trying something new in the bedroom, your partner might not be communicating their feelings about their experience. The kinky experience may have brought up emotions that they are still processing, and they might be feeling confused or conflicted about how to communicate those feelings to you.
Try to create space for you and your partner to reflect on the experience and the emotions and sensations that it brought up for both of you. You are constructing dynamics and opportunities for you and your partner to journey together. It cannot be a one-sided experience where only one partner's needs are being met. There must be gifts and receiving of energy and intimacy for both parties. You need to address what is going on emotionally within your relationship before you can share intimacy and connection either through making love or having kinky sex.
Jincey: What if you like rough sex, but your partner likes lovemaking, or vice versa? How on Earth can you make a compromise without feeling like one or the other of you is missing out?
Madison: Whether you are being spanked or passionately kissing your partner, you are sharing energy, connection and intimacy. Try to negotiate and create a wonderful recipe of sexual connection that blends both of your interests. Make sure to talk with your partner about what elements of rough sex get you off, and how it makes you feel, and why you are interested in sharing that experience with her. If she has hesitations around rough sex, are there reasons for it? Address those. If your partner really loves fucking you with a strap-on, then try that, but tell her that you would like to try some nipple clamps on your nipples while she fucks you. This allows you to take control by adding a rough and kinky element to the sexual play in a way that smoothly takes your partner out of her comfort zone.
Jincey: How do you "train" your partner to be dominant?
Madison: Communicate with your dominant. Some of the best teachers for new dominants are experienced submissives who know how to communicate. Lead your dominant through the journey that you are taking together.
Jincey: What's a good way to get foreplay going? Do you "schedule" date nights?
Madison: Yes, I schedule date nights. I have a wildly busy schedule, and on top of that I have to wrangle childcare for my 1-and-a-half-year-old daughter. Scheduling is necessary. Nurturing a relationship takes work -- whether it is kink or not -- and I need to schedule time to nurture my family, my relationship and myself.
Jincey: How can people wind down after an intense sex session?
Madison: This is referred to as "aftercare." After an intense scene, sometimes endorphins are flying high, and often both the submissive and the dominant will need some form of aftercare. What is comforting to you? A warm bath? Having your hair stroked? Having a book read to you out loud? Resting your head in your partner's lap?
As you are coming down from a high adrenaline rush, you want to have someone with you whom you trust. It's a beautiful, delicate time in which I often feel very vulnerable and open. Keep a journal and jot down your experiences, and experiment with your aftercare needs and assess what you feel you need after a BDSM scene. Remember hydration, and if you were tied up during your scene, you might experience a little post-bondage chill as your circulation regulates.
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More great tips from Madison! I'm feeling very inspired to try some of these things in my own bedroom!
In the next few weeks I'll be featuring interviews with some people in the LGBTQ community who are doing some really cool things. Whether it's businesswomen or people working to protect the rights of others, I'm excited to bring these important stories to you!
If you have questions for me or want to share your own story, please tweet at me @juicyjincey, or reach out to me at Facebook.com/JinceyLumpkin.