photo (modified) from Theiler, CC0
He sits, wrapped in his blue bathrobe, in the leather swivel desk chair in his bedroom. "Am I really only twenty percent?" he asks, fiddling with his Rubik's cube as he often does immediately after having sex.
"Well maybe if you let me sleep over again you could be, like, thirty percent," I say, smiling, walking over to him as I pull my shirt back over my head. I nudge my legs in between his, and look at his face as I raise my eyebrows.
He looks up at me, shaking his head in disagreement, "You still sleep over."
"No. I've slept over once since you got back. I mean, I get it. I'm just saying."
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He was referring to our previous discussion of the 80-20 rule of relationships. I read some piece online describing how, even in the most satisfying, loving relationships, you only get 80 percent of your needs met by your partner. It's the missing 20 percent that often leads one to stray.
I mentioned this a few nights ago.
"Do you know what the 80-20 rule is?"
"Yeah, you mean twenty percent of the guys get eighty percent of the girls?" He replied without skipping a beat, as if this is a rule all guys inherently know.
I laughed and said, "No... I mean, it applies to lots of things, but in terms of relationships?"
He shook his head. So I explained, "I read this stupid thing about how when you're in a healthy, loving relationship."
He interrupted me, "Wait, wait. Are you saying you're in love with me?"
I laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. "What the fuck? No. Keep listening. So, when you're in a loving, solid relationship, the person you're with can really only meet 80 percent of your needs. That's just the way it is, ya know? No one person can be everything?"
He nodded. I continued, "So the things your partner doesn't fulfill, that's the twenty percent. And then, say you meet someone who has those missing qualities, you think 'Wow, this person is better for me!' and that's why people cheat or break up. But then once you get to know this new person, you realize that this person is only the twenty percent, and you just gave up the other eighty percent."
"Mm-hmm. I get it. And?"
"So, I think you're my twenty percent."
He laughed, "I'm your twenty percent?"
"Yeah. It's an important twenty percent though. You fill this niche. My kinky sex niche. I don't really need the other eighty. It's mostly all bullshit."
He nods and rolls his eyes in a knowing manner, "Yeah, it sure is."
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"I used to sleep over a lot more often," I continue as I put my socks and pants on, "Now it's kinda just a sex thing, huh?"
"Well, you know what happens when you sleep over. It's nice, but all the snuggling and closeness," he trails off.
"Don't worry. I understand it doesn't mean anything. But snuggling just feels good sometimes."
"But the feelings are what worry me. What if I get this job and move?"
I furrow my brow and think for a second.
"Ohhh, that's what you're doing?" I ask, "You're putting up this wall so I don't get all attached before you move?"
"Kind of."
"Look, I mean, that shouldn't stop us from enjoying a good thing now. I'd rather feel all the good feelings, to their fullest. I'll get over them. I know I can. That's the way life goes. If you move, you move, and I'll move on."
"Yeah, I'm sure you will..."
"I know for a fact I can have feelings for someone and learn to let them go." I'm starting to sound defensive. I zip up my boots.
"Oh yeah? How do you know? From all the other guys you were seeing when I was away?" he asks sarcastically.
"Not exactly," I say, "It doesn't matter. But I know I can."
"Stella," he pauses and sighs. I'm putting on my earrings, glancing at the time on my phone. "Stella, it's not all about how you feel."
This catches me off guard. I turn and look at him as the meaning of his statement hits me. I thought he'd been putting up the wall because he doesn't want me to catch feelings. It never occurred to me that he is trying to avoid catching feelings, too. The wall is for him.
"Oh," I say. The room suddenly feels quieter. "So it's a self-defense thing? That's shitty."
"Yeah. It is shitty."
"Here I thought it was all because you have this early morning stuff to do now. I thought it was all about you trying to be productive and shit."
"Well, that too. But yeah, it's not that simple."
He's still playing with the Rubik's cube as I put my jacket on.
I kiss him on the forehead before I walk out the door, "Thanks for the twenty percent."
He smiles, "Goodnight, Stella."
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This piece was originally published in Stella's Navigating the Sea of Singledom.