Make America Straight Again

It will take a hat trick to make me straight again.
It will take a hat trick to make me straight again.

Mike Pence wants to Make America Straight Again. The Vice-President Elect—who has an eery resemblance to Jerry Sandusky—just may have set his sights on revamping the U.S. Department of Education by funding the Mike Pence School of Gay Conversion. During his homophobic, storied political career including Governor of Indiana Mike Pence actually said, “Resources should be directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.”

I mean…I’m gay and don’t spend as much time as Mike Pence does thinking about other gay people’s sex lives. So what’s crawled up his ass…literally and figuratively?

And you were concerned about Donald Trump? The real scoundrel (for lack of a better term) is Mike Pence. Frankly, I don’t think that Trump will be able to pull off half the shit he spewed in order to get elected. But Pence is surely keen on making his mark. He defied his religious teachings by standing up for Pussy Gate and only did so having made a deal with the devil, Steve Bannon. I can just imagine the conversation:

INT. – TRUMP TOWER GOLD GILDED WAR ROOM – MIDNIGHT

STEVE BANNON: When we finish stealing the election—thanks to James Comey and Vladimir Putin—I will give you that toy you’ve been talking about to play with.

MIKE PENCE: The new Ken Doll?

STEVE BANNON: No you idiot. You can have the Department of Education to establish that Gay Conversion School you and Michele Bachmann’s nelly husband have been giggling about.

Courses offerings at Mike Pence School of Gay Conversion include:

1) Style: How To Dress Like Shit

2) Advanced Style: The Joys of Ill Fitting Jeans

3) Self Improvement: How To Achieve The Perfect Beer Belly

4) Fitness: Couch Potato Surfing

5) Communication: How Not To Listen

6) Dance: You Actually Don’t Need Rhythm

7) Music: Ted Nugent Is The New Bob Dylan

8) Grooming: Stop Caring About That Shit

So girls…and lesbians…dust off your Book Bags…it’s back to school for us! I’ll be the Mean Girl.

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS