Last night's Project Runway opens with a boring old New York skyline shot...and well, hello! It's two underwear-clad, chiseled male bodies. I can't tell you exactly who it is because I'm not looking at their faces, but I'm happy to tell you that this is really only the kick-off to an episode full of naked man-flesh. Ding dong, Merry Christmas from Heidi! Let's get to it.
THE CHALLENGE:
Heidi-bot comes out to announce that the designers "won't be needing your models for the next challenge...this challenge is a first for Project Runway."
"Oh my god," I burst out incredulously, "Fat people?!"
But no, the "challenge" is that the designers are creating an outfit for Tiki Barber, "one of the best running backs that the Giants ever had." And quite a looker. JUST SAYING. The challenge is to design something for Tiki to wear on the Today show, where he is a special correspondent. The designers have 30 minutes to sketch, 30 minutes at Mood, and a budget of $150 dollars.
Tiki reveals that he has some design challenges, such as a "thick neck and a small waist and a large butt" to which I murmur, " Hmm hmmm" maybe a little too enthusiastically.
All of the designers are totally stumped. None of them has really done menswear.They stare off into space; I stare at the printed monstrosity on Ricky's head. After getting fabric at Mood, somehow Jack winds up taking off his pants. Then someone draws cherries on his underwear? I'm so confused as to why, but it's fine with me.
Tim comes in. "I have an announcement to make." And with that, MALE MODELS pour into the design area. I actually gasp. Can my little heart take any more?
The designers look absolutely happily stunned and yet giddily nervous. It's like their first co-ed party. And with that it seems the men are just ripping off their clothing. Does my remote have a slo-mo button? Can someone please bring me a cold beer?
The designers start oohing and ahhing over their own work and smoothing it, which is really just an excuse to pet their models. The worst offender is clearly Sweet P, who marvels constantly over how well the pants, "fit your ass perfectly." She marvels and marvels and marvels.
In fact, the only one NOT marveling, besides straight Kevin, is Elisa. This proves it: she really IS from Mars. Elisa, in fact, turns her back while the model changes.
The next morning, the designers put the finishing touches on their outfits. And by that I mean, in some cases, completely rebuilding them. Carmen actually still has an entire shirt to do, but no fabric, really (and no time.) Ricky actually makes his model sew buttons, which he does both gamely and gorgeously, but eventually Ricky just has to use pins all down the front of his jacket.
Sweet P, meanwhile, is completely screwed; her shirt looks literally INSANE -- like a drunk five-year-old made it. Apparently the crotch on his pants looks bad. Sure, Sweet P. Genius Sweet P takes this opportunity to actually hand-sew her model into the crotch. Sweet P? More like Spicy P!
Then, it's styling time. I'm on board with the male models until I see them getting primped and blow-dried; then it veers a little too far into metrosexual territory for me. Must we gild the man-lily? I actually say "eww" when the man-makeup is broken out, complete with an airbrush foundation thing. "Now you know what I go through every morning," says Travis.
Everyone's outfit looks pretty good except for Carmen's, who clearly has no shirt and an unfinished jacket; Ricky -- the suit looks completely unfitted and also like a pin cushion, and Sweet Pea, who has made an insane shirt "obscured" but actually highlighted by an insane giant tie of clown-like proportions. I mean, her model actually looks like it was attacked by a fashion monster. It's crazy, and I mean crazy. It's like the part of Zoolander where they show the Dereliqué collection; I expect to see her model covered in dirt and pushing a shopping cart.
JUDGING:
Top Two: Kit and Jack.
Kit made a blazer and slacks combo, but the blazer was made out of a soft fleece material that almost put it into "cardigan" territory, as Kors puts it. Kors also points out that the soft fleece saved it from being boring, or, as he puts it, "If it wasn't navy fleece, gimme a Xanax, I'm going to sleep." Jack made a pretty basic slacks and button down top, but I guess people like that it is "classic with a twist" because of the contrasting prints. In the end, the winner is Jack.
Lowest three: Carmen, Sweet Pea and Ricky.
Sweet Pea is "messy," Ricky is sloppy, and Carmen has no shirt and the "crotch on the pants is insane" as Kors says. He continues that the pants would be good for a "Boogie Nights star."
Ultimately, Carmen must go.
"Your model was half-naked," says Heidi.
And yet, not nearly naked enough. Well done, Heidi-bot. Well done.