Ejaculating On Your Colleagues' Food Is Not A Sex Crime In Minnesota

Let's be clear: Leaving any bodily fluid in your colleagues' food will get you into trouble in Minnesota, and it's ill-advised.

But at this point, it is unclear what charge you'd be convicted of.

To that end, a man was just cleared of sex charges after admitting that he ejaculated into his co-worker's coffee and on her desk at work.

A judge found that John Robert Lind's creepy behavior didn't qualify as criminal sexual conduct -- even though his victim drank the tainted coffee. Minnesota law doesn't cover indirect bodily fluid contact.

In other words, Lind's nondairy creamer doesn't qualify as criminal sexual conduct because he didn't ejaculate directly onto his victim. According to the District Court Judge Patrick Diamond's ruling, "[The charge in part] defines sexual contact as 'the intentional touching with seminal fluid or sperm by the actor of the complainant's body or the clothing covering complainant's body.'"

Luckily, there's a good chance that the law is about to change. Minnesota Bill 889 proposed by Rep. Debra Hilstrom (D-Brooklyn Center) would make "adulteration by bodily fluid" a misdemeanor, tack on a felony if "a person ingests the adulterated substance," and force felony convicts to register as sex offenders:

After Lind got off easy, he was re-charged with indecent exposure, but it remains to be seen whether he'll be convicted on any charges.

"Clearly [in Lind's case], prosecutors thought criminal sexual conduct was the most appropriate charge," Hilstrom told HuffPost Crime. "The defendant confessed, so the facts weren’t in question, but the judge had to ask if the action met the definition."

Hilstrom's bill already passed the public safety committee, and hits the House floor today. Soon, she hopes, the action of applying bodily fluid to your co-workers' food will indeed meet a criminal definition.

But hey! Until the bill is passed or Lind is convicted, the whole thing is a gray area. So we took it upon ourselves to make an important list.

LOOK, WE DON'T CONDONE DOING ANYTHING TO YOUR COLLEAGUES' FOOD, AND YOU SHOULDN'T. IT'S NOT COOL, AND YOU'LL BE ARRESTED, FIRED AND RUINED. THIS LIST IS FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT:

Colleagues' Food You Can (Sort Of, Apparently) Legally Ejaculate On In Minnesota, Ranked

1. Everything left in the fridge overnight
2. Coffee
3. Yogurt
4. Jamba Juice
5. Salad, egg
6. Ramen
7. Soup, cream of mushroom
8. Borscht
9. Fries, French
10. Chipotle burrito
11. Gumbo
12. Quinoa
13. Salad, fruit
14. Salad, potato
15. Debra's sandwich (sorry, Deb)
16. Bagel, everything
17. Chipotle burrito bowl
18. Spaghetti with meatballs
19. Pizza, supreme
20. Bouillabaisse
21. Salad, kale
22. Tea
23. Cereal, dry
24. Banana

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