Mariah Carey is Destroying the World!!

Oh no!

First the war, then the stock market plummets, Global Warming is shown to be real, the housing market collapses, unemployment skyrockets, and yet none of that has prepared us for the tragedy that has rocked this planet to its very core. It's hard to even write these words without breaking down but...

Mariah Carey now has more number one singles than Elvis Presley.

The unspeakable horror!! Oh the humanity!!

At what point do we just say we can't go on? At what point do we stop believing in God?

No matter what hardship we had to endure -- from terrorism to Ellen's little doggie being recalled - at least we had Elvis. My father, who lived through the Depression and Chevy Chase talk show said he never thought he'd see the day.

When gas prices went to $4.00 a gallon and my children were inconsolable I took their hands and said, "Kids, it's okay. The King has 17 number ones. No one will ever surpass him."

Now what do I tell them?

Oh...if only...

If only "Wear My Ring Around Your Neck", "Now and Then There's a Fool Such as I", "Can't Help Falling In Love", and "Return To Sender" hadn't finished at number two. I blame myself. I could have bought "Return To Sender" but no, I had to give that money to Jerry's kids. Now and then there is such a fool as I.

Radio is also at fault. Stations never gave his masterpiece "Rock-A-Hula Baby" the exposure it deserved. There's no reason that song shouldn't be the number one song of ALL-TIME. Or at least the official state song of Hawaii or Colorado.

And why penalize Elvis for stretching himself artistically, for challenging his audience? "Do The Clam" will live on long after "Rhapsody in Blue" fades into the mist of time.

Mariah Carey?! Who is this eighteen-year upstart? So her highest octave is two octaves higher than a normal soprano? Can she sing while doing judo moves? I think not.

Has she paid her dues? Look at her movie career. Glitter? It is to laugh. Compare that with Live A Little, Love A Little, Clambake, Tickle Me, Girls! Girls! Girls!, The Trouble With Girls, Girl Happy, Charro, Roustabout, It Happened At The World's Fair, and of course Harem Scarum.

And how many Mariah Carey impersonators have you seen (with the exception of at least four on American Idol every season)?

We need the healing to begin. We as Americans need to reach down deep and draw upon that resilience that has always served us through such dire times. But we can't do it ourselves. The psychic damage is far too great. A couple of things need to happen.

For the sake of this country and - oh let's just say it - mankind, Mariah Carey has to retire. Sorry. She'll find other work. She can always host a VH-1 reality show or learn a trade at the DeVry Institute.

And RCA records needs to re-release a few Elvis songs. If everyone in the United States buys copies of "Rubberneckin'", "Kiss Me Quick", and "Old Shep" Elvis Presley can reclaim his rightful crown (of being number three behind the Beatles and Bing Crosby) and order can once again be restored to the universe.

Can we do it? It's up to you.

Thank you and viva Las Vegas!

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