5 Things To Do Before Or After You Get Married...

Read these tips and take notes -- or else suffer the consequences of doing too many things at once.
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I don't know why, but for some reason you brideys have it in your crazy little heads that you have to do EVERYTHING all at once. Plan a wedding, buy a house, get pregnant, etc... I don't get it. Seriously. You crazy brides are just making it worse for yourselves. Slow down. One thing at a time. I mean, would you run on the treadmill holding 20-pound weights and doing squats? I guess it's doable, but super difficult and uncomfortable, right? (Although, at this point in my wedding planning career, nothing would surprise me.) So, read these tips and take notes -- or else suffer the consequences of doing too many things at once.

1. Buy a house BEFORE the wedding or AFTER the wedding. Just not DURING the wedding planning. Start "shopping" immediately after the engagement and before you begin making plans for the big day. Because getting through two big life changes at the same time is really freaking stressful. Once you close on the place, THEN start planning your wedding.

Or, start looking a few weeks after you return from your honeymoon. By then you will have gotten your head out of the wedding cloud, and can use the cash you received as gifts towards the down payment. (But, frankly, interest rates are the lowest they've been since depression times; so if you have time before your wedding, then buy ASAP because you will save a crapload of money! Just sayin'.)

2. If you DO buy your house before the wedding, then please DON'T schedule the big move a week before you say, "I do." I know this seems pretty obvious, but as I mentioned earlier, you brideys like to get all of your stuff done at once, so just wait until after the wedding or give yourself an ample amount of time before you exchange vows.

3. Job change. Why? Why change jobs when you are about to get married? Unless you are completely miserable in your current position, then stay put. No need to stress out about being the "new kid" at a new company while wedding plans need to be made. Just suck it up bridey.

4. Getting pregnant. Listen, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not judging. I don't care when you get pregnant, but please be careful. Throw a cap on Willy until the honeymoon or have the kid before you walk down the aisle. Because I don't want to hear, "Well, we don't know how long it will take us to get pregnant, so we are just going to see what happens." Cause you know what'll happen? You're gonna get knocked up, have to change the date or cancel the wedding, and/or let out your wedding dress. All of which are giant pains in the ass. So, have the baby first or don't make a baby... yet.

5. Opening the family can of worms. Sorry bridey, but now is not the time to delve into your psyche and try to fix family skeletons so you feel "good" walking down the aisle into the new chapter of your life. Family stuff is going to get in the way ANYWAY, so don't make it worse. Wait until after the wedding. Wait until after all the bills have been paid. But, please, for the love of God, just don't do anything before you get married.

"Thank you, Bitchless." No really, you SHOULD be thanking me because all of this stuff SEEMS pretty transparent, but when one exciting thing is happening to you, suddenly you want the world, and you want it now. So slow your roll brideys. And remember, good things come to those who wait.