By Dr. Bonnie Ray Kennan for YourTango.com
Another relationship bites the dust. It's an occupational hazard for a couples counselor, but still, it's always sad. Despite my best efforts to help people negotiate the choppy waters of relationship distress, many of them simply don't make it.
It goes something like this: A distressed husband or wife pleads on the phone, "I am calling for couples counseling. We have a problem with communication." So, we set an appointment and begin the process. The specific problems are wide-ranging and many of them have gone unresolved for months, even years. So why can't they make it work?
Therapy can save your marriage, but you have to be prepared. Here are my tips for couples to come out of counseling sessions successfully.
- Do some in-depth soul-searching before you begin. Do you want to fight for this relationship even when it is painful, challenges you and is profoundly uncomfortable? Know that it will be difficult.
If you are calling a couples counselor, chances are pretty good that you have lived for some time without the deeply satisfying comfort of a secure, respectful, attached relationship. In good therapy, you will have glimpses of that experience very early on. You'll be taken aback by the unexpected emotions, but remember this: Intimacy is what you say you want. Intimacy is good for your soul. It is a noble desire to want to love and be loved deeply.
Romantic relationships are a bit like sky-diving. You have to do the work and prepare yourself for the moment of free-fall. Then you have to jump out of the plane, pull the ripcord and trust. You can't have the joy and the rush if you aren't willing to have that moment when you are not absolutely certain your parachute will open.
In sum, ask yourself: Do I really want to fly? If the answer is "yes," do the work earnestly and wholeheartedly. Then, take breath and jump out of the plane!
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