Deciding to spend your life with one person is a rather serious, perhaps even daunting, commitment. But if you and your spouse can find humor in the day to day, you’re much more likely to enjoy the ride.
Below, 32 hilarious tweets about marriage that will make perfect sense if you’re a husband or wife.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Friday night]
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Where does this go?”
— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018
- my husband cleaning
Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.
— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018
We’re 7 mins in.
90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018
If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018
Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.
— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018
*Looking for something around the house.
— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018
Me: Have you seen it?
Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.
Me: Ah, thank you.
*Still has no idea where it is.
If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018
I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.
— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018
Love is letting her charge her phone first.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018
Marriage is buying a second charger.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018
What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?
— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018
Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018
Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.
— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018
The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.
— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018
My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018
I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."
— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018
I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017
90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018
“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.
— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018
Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018
*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants
Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.
— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018
Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!
WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that
— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018
ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013
(100 miles from exit)
— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018
Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.
— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”
Before You Go
