I have had the experience of being married before to a "regular" hubby and we went about our daily business as two individuals who did their own thing, loved each other and co-habited. Until we didn't. I am grateful every day that we didn't make it because I adore being married to my boy in blue.
Being married to a police officer is totally different than being married to a regular Joe.
It is a responsibility, a burden and an honor/blessing for those of you who are religious. It is often thankless. It throws up challenges and has its rewards and I wouldn't have it any other way. I often think that it is we who are in the Police Force, not just him: we signed up; we joined back in January 2007.
I wear his badge with honor too.
Here are my 10 tips on how to handle it. :)
1. Learn how to be resilient, especially if you have kids. A LOT of the time you will be solo parenting, and frequently it will be unplanned. Dinners will be served hot and having given up waiting for him to join you, glad wrapped cold, to be eaten when you have long gone to bed. The dinner/bath/bed routine that you were counting on him helping you with will have to be done alone. AGAIN. Try not to be resentful. Its hard, but the call-outs outside of rostered hours are part of the job and you need to expect them and get used to parenting alone. His job involves putting others needs ahead of yours. You will most likely be the parent to attend school concerts, sports matches, school assembly's etc. sans spouse so make sure you explain to the kids about Daddy's job so they understand. Believe me, he would rather be at these events than where he is too!!
2. Be adaptable. Trust me, that planned weekend sleep-in that you have had marked on the calendar for the past month will ALWAYS come after a 2 a.m. callout and your spouse won't even be HOME to get up with the kids. The Mother's Day picnic you had planned as it fell on his RDO? He will get a call-out to your neighboring town just minutes before you head out the door as a family. Christmas is a tough one. Usually they are rostered on for at least a few hours during the day, but your day can be planned and executed successfully and callouts are rare. However, our last Christmas, Mr. Point Five worked and was away unexpectedly from 8am Christmas Eve 'til 5.30 p.m. Christmas night; the kids and I were devastated and it was not my finest moment as a police wife as tears were shed. Again, shelve the resentment, smile and re-plan for the next day/weekend. The last thing our spouses need after an unexpected callout on what should be a joyous day for them also is to come home to a resentful spouse. Remember, they are disappointed too.
3. With respect to point 1. and 2., I highly recommend having a ROUTINE. I am up at 7 a.m. each morning with the kids and I am responsible for getting them school-ready whilst I leave hubby to his own devices for work. Regardless of his roster, I prepare dinner for the entire family at 5pm every night. If he isn't home then his gets wrapped. The boys go to bed at 730 p.m. every night. We do this because even if your police spouse SAYS they will be home, you cannot rely on it. Often I get a text when he is already late saying he will be home in 30 minutes and three hours later we still haven't seen him. Have a routine and stick to it because his job is anything but routine. Don't be tempted to stretch out dinner or the kids bedtime on a say-so text ;)
4. Resign yourself to the fact that you will not be holidaying when other families do. If you used to go away for the Easter four day weekend, remember the last one fondly. Easter is the busiest time of the year for our Boys and Girls in Blue and it is all hands on deck. We barely see Mr. Point Five at Easter and (much to hubby's disappointment as he pointed it out this year) the kids and I have decorated our Easter Tree each year on our own. Once again, it is really hard to harbor the resentfulness as you see pictures flooding your Facebook newsfeed of family camping trips and backyard cricket. Suck it up and make the most of the four days alone with the kids or go away yourself with the kids and create your own fun with another family. Australia Day weekend is another one you will be spending sans spouse. Get used to it and plan ahead to get out and create your own fun. New Year's Eves will never be the same either. The only New Years I have spent with hubby is when he has been on Long Service Leave after Master J was born. Oh, and the last one here he was on day shift so that was good; we were in bed by 10:30 as he was rostered to work at 8am New Year's Day.
5. Try to wrap your head around the fact that even when your spouse is not on rostered duty, they are always mentally on duty. Being a police officer is not a job; it's a lifestyle choice. They are not general public any longer. They must carry their police ID at all times and be expected to respond to public situations as a police officer, and not stand by and watch with no obligation. This results in a general enhanced awareness of their situation at all times. We try and get to the pub on a Friday night to give me a break from cooking and socialize with the townfolk a little. I see Mr. Point Five constantly monitoring his surroundings, watching who comes in the pub door, assessing the risks, and weighing up various options, all subconsciously. The books call it hyper-vigilance -- they are so used to having to be mentally and physically prepared for every possible scenario during their work hours in order to possibly preserve the lives of the public and their own, that it is impossible to switch off. It becomes part of their psyche. Watch for it, know why they may be distracted and accommodate it.
6. Know that being hyper-vigilant 24/7 takes its toll. Even when it is subconscious, the constant mental and physical state of flight or fight is exhausting for them; to be under constant public scrutiny. Try to create a peaceful home for them to unwind in. I find that if I pepper hubby the minute he walks in the door with my days questions/happenings he gets very frustrated as he needs time to try and stop "thinking" for a while and adapt to being my husband and the boys' daddy at home where he is safe and not at risk. It is really hard to go straight from being a police officer to being fun Daddy, but if we give him some space when he gets home, it happens.
7. Accept that your spouse may come across unsavory characters that he may have arrested/had dealings with when you are out in public. This happens frequently if you live in a small town. There have been a few times where Mr. Point Five has suddenly ditched us at the shops and we find him a few stores down, or when we were having a family day at our town swimming pool where we have staged it with him having left suddenly. These things happen and it is for the safety of his family that he does it. He doesn't want the scumbags knowing who is family is and then perhaps targeting us next time we are at the shops without him as our protection. Maybe have a chat about the possibility of this happening and have a back-up plan such as a meet place in the shops or calling each other on the mobile.
8. Realize that your actions/opinions all affect your spouse by connection now. I try very hard to monitor what I say on public social media with regard to any polarizing opinions I may have, as people may assume my opinion as his. Police officers must be impartial in their dealings with the public and I would loathe for anything I say on social media to come back and bite him on the arse. My private social media is my own space to be me, but even then I try to be cautious (stop laughing, people who know me, I DO try!) The example I gave of my behavior affecting him in one of my earlier #policewifelife posts is about six months after Mr. Point Five and I had met. He had just started at the academy and I had just handed my driver's license in for three months as I had accumulated one point too many. Aherm. It was the first Saturday afterwards and I grabbed my keys to duck down to our local Coles which were literally 200m at the bottom of our street. Hubby looked at me, dumbstruck. What on earth do you think you are doing? he asked. I explained that the car needed a run and we needed groceries. But you have no license he says. Well, duh I said, rolling my eyes, I'll drive carefully won't I? No, he said firmly, you won't and he took the keys off me.
I think this was our first major barny and I yelled and screamed at him that I was a grown and independent woman. It was MY choice, MY car, MY bad decision to make and MY consequences to suffer. I was fuming that he was treating me like a child. After I had settled down, we sat together and he explained that because I now live with a police officer who is aware of all my actions, my making decisions like that could very well not just cause ME severe consequences, but could also cost him his career and livelihood. I honestly had never considered it from the point of view that with the knowledge of what I was doing, he would be put between a rock and a very hard place with severe ramifications for him at one end. It was then I realized that not only was my husband (to be) a police officer, but exactly what that meant to me, as his wife, and how I must now behave in a much more mature fashion and take responsibility for his job as well as my actions. My poor choices were no longer my own to make and from then on he drove me to Coles every weekend for three months.
I cannot think of another profession where a wife/partner shoulders so much responsibility. I mean, a judge or a politician would be frowned upon if they were aware of their partner behaving in such a manner but a police officer stands to lose his job and his career. It's a rough gig. I am reminded of a quote from "Top Gun" where Maverick is getting ripped a new one by Stinger: "You need to be doing it better, and cleaner than the other guy. Now what is it with you?"
I have not lost a single point since I met hubby now, and you really need to watch your driving as a police spouse, especially in a small town. You will be held accountable and be crucified by your peers if you step out of line on that one. Trust me.
9. Accept that the job is dangerous. Try not to worry. I know it's hard when the only words you manage to overhear on that 2 a.m. call is "shots fired," but worrying robs you of happiness and is a futile emotion. They have the training and the tools to come home alive. When they get called out to god-awful jobs, they need to know that they can rely on you to hold down the fort, so to speak, that you aren't at home worried sick about them and falling apart. You need to have their back; have their six at home. Be their rock. A depressing fact is you could also likely lose your police spouse to suicidein addition to whatever dangers they may encounter in their line of work. Something to think about. When they come home from a tough/confronting job, offer your support and a listening ear should they need it. Perhaps not to tell you all the ins and outs of the job, but how they are feeling and how they are coping. Encourage them to debrief their emotions and be a safe harbor to do so. They may not be able to tell you many details, but they will appreciate the emotional support.
10. Embrace your new blue family. The camaraderie among the officers and their families is amazing. Soak it in and enjoy. It's like making friends most places; some you will click with better than others but the underlying unity is there. I am willing to bet in 10 years your best friend will be a police spouse. When we were up in the Pilbara and there were 50 officers, it was like having 50 big brothers up there. If hubby was out on a job, I had a plethora of numbers to call if I heard a bump in the night, had run out of gas or if my TV reception went out. It was wonderful. I STILL raise a wave from the steering wheel at passing police cars on the road -- it's like we are all one big family, a really nice way to live. I am glad our boys will grow up to respect and love the boys and girls in blue and know that they are to be trusted and can be counted on in times of need.
So, those are my top 10 tips to being married to a police officer. Good luck if you are about to take the plunge or are a newlywed.
For other posts on my #policewifelife, including one on moving house/towns all the freaking time (we have lived in five towns in seven years!), please click here.
If you are a police spouse and want to add any tips, please do so in the blog comments below.
Photo credit: Dean Giacomini/WA Police Union
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