Food & Drink

Martha Stewart's 9 Booziest Tips For Getting Drunk On Eggnog

With enough denial, alcohol and fat can cancel each other out.

The vast majority of the world may view Martha Stewart as a prudish mother hen, reminiscent of the school teacher who rapped you on the knuckles for wearing an above-the-knee pleated skirt. But the vast majority of the world doesn't know Martha Stewart. Martha is a badass. Beyond the fact that she served prison time (and sculpted an entire nativity scene while she was there), Martha's got a lot more fire in her belly than you'd think. She's made "green brownies" with Snoop Dogg, chugged PBR with Conan O'Brien, and -- this is hard to say, because we do feel like she's our grandma -- admitted to having had a threesome.

She's no stranger to booze, either. Martha loves herself a good Caipirinha, or any cocktail, for that matter. And every year at Christmas time, she shows us how to make the booziest eggnog on planet Earth. We compiled tips from her videos over the years (found here, here, and here) to bring you Martha's top tips for getting plastered on eggnog this holiday. Drink up!

Rule 1: Don't skimp on the booze.
This is probably the most important rule of them all. When Martha's guest fails to pour the entire contents of the rum into the mixture, she chides: "Are you saving that for somebody?" and makes him dump it all in.
Rule #2: You don't even have to follow the recipe if you're too drunk.
"3 cups of bourbon. Doesn't that sound good??? And I just made up this recipe! I just put all the good things in this that I thought everybody would love."
Rule 3: But be careful with the brandy.
"That's the knock 'em dead stuff." You can load up your nog with all the booze you want, but NOT the brandy. It packs too powerful a punch, so adhere to the recipe.
Rule 4: Guilty about all the booze? Just pretend the alcohol is vanilla extract.
"Believe it or not, [this has] 2 cups of Cognac. And again, a good Cognac. ... If you just imagine this as flavoring, like vanilla, you can add it without guilt."
Rule 5: With enough denial, alcohol and fat can cancel each other out.
After adding 3 cups of heavy cream to the booze mixture, Martha says: "But if you drink that much alcohol you'd better have some fat to counteract it."
Rule 6: Liquor up your friends to ease their social anxiety.
"This is the best eggnog. It's the recipe that I still make every year. We made it last year and the crew here was very happy. [evil laughter] I made them drink it before the show. They were very happy, it was a good show."
Rule 7: Get the booze at the bottom of the bowl.
The greatest ladling tip of all time: "If you want a little bit more alcohol, take it off the bottom." Because it's heavier than the egg whites and whipped cream, the best stuff is all at the bottom.
Rule 8: Limit your guests to one cup per person ...
And remind them of this over, and over, and over again. "Remember, one per person!" "One cup per person at your party. That's the limit." "I warned you, it's pretty strong. But you only drink a LITTLE of this."
Rule 9: ... Because Martha gets all the rest.

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