For your consideration, we present to you the incredible true story of the longest uninterrupted moment of silence ever attempted.
No one can remember when, exactly, the moment began. Was it in 2011, after six people died in a mass shooting in Tucson, Arizona? Historical footage suggests it may have started two years earlier, after a gunman terrorized Fort Hood, Texas, slaying 13. Memory suggests it may have been even earlier. It depends on who you ask.
Regardless, this moment of silence is one of our lawmakers' greatest bipartisan, bicameral accomplishments, an inspiring response to crisis that is also regularly performed at the White House. It is a thrilling triumph of activity over achievement, and sentimentality over substance. And it shall endure. Even in the face of near-fortnightly breaking news stories that threaten this quiet with the noisy clatter of the reality that's unfolding on the streets of America, our lawmakers shall remain defiantly, unyieldingly... silent.
Similarities to the sound of guilty men dodging responsibility are coincidental, we're sure.