Hi.
My name is Nathan. I watch pornography, and I masturbate.
Usually in that order.
I say that not by way of confession, nor am I in a recovery program making a declarative statement while looking to take control of my addiction. I'm simply being honest. It's 2015, pornography is an $8 billion-a-year business, and people still lie about supporting it.
(To be fair, I'm not sure how porn is a multi-billion-dollar business, or how I support it. Everything I view is free, thank you Internet. But I digress.)
I bring this up for three reasons: my wife, Josh Duggar and my children.
My wife went out boozing with some friends, and as happens when alcohol wets the tongue of giggling women, the intertwined topics of relationships and sex lives came up. When her turn in the tell-all rotation arrived, my Mrs. offhandedly mentioned I was open and honest about my occasional meander down the naughty side of the world wide web.
The other women were taken aback.
The origins of their shock seemed to be rooted in my lack of shame, combined with assurance their husbands didn't look at porn or self-satisfy. In some cases, the significant other said he didn't partake in that particular hobby; in other cases, the woman believed that her feminine instinct would cue her in to any extracurricular hand habits of her hubby.
I laughed and told my wife that someone was fibbing. The husbands may be blowing smoke at their wives, or maybe the women were lying to themselves. I've the twig-and-berry boy parts my whole life, and in all my years, I have yet to meet one of my brethren who didn't take the occasional gander at online delights.
(Well, no, that's a bit of an exaggeration. I know a 32-year-old tech nerd who is a virgin, and when he says he has no interest in watching two shaved apes go at it, I believe him. But him aside, men look at pornography, and men masturbate.)
In my time on this planet, I have had numerous women ask me if it was normal for a man to look at porn. Their idiot boyfriend/husband forgot to clear the browser history, or she asked him and he lied said he wasn't into it...
...which brings me to the second reason: Josh Duggar.
After the Ashley Madison leak came the confession, where Josh described how he had become "addicted to pornography."
I'm curious to know exactly what "addicted to pornography" entails. I look at porn maybe twice a week, a couple minutes each time. Because the beauty of porn is: you see what you want quickly. You don't have to sit through exposition or plot; watching porn isn't something you make an afternoon of. You don't light candles, create atmosphere, or get "in the mood." You just find what you need and go from there.
I'm guessing Josh was caught up in a shame spiral. He'd watch a little porn, feel guilty, repent, watch a little more, feel guilty... I'm not sure how much he was consuming to make him use the word "addict," but given his upbringing even the desire to watch a couple minutes a week would be considered a compulsion.
From birth, it was probably beaten into Josh's head that human sexuality is a bad thing. A naughty thing. Something to only be embraced when within the bonds of marriage, and only then for the matter of procreation.
When he was a teenager, instead of being told, "What you're feeling is normal, so grab some Kleenex (or a sock) and go take some alone time," he was told he was having evil thoughts. According to crew members on 19 and Counting, Josh was allegedly corporeally punished for reacting to his hormones in the normal way.
Did that end his curiosity? No. That actually sent him down a much darker and more disgusting path.
Unfortunately, instead of coming to terms with the deficiencies of their extremist ideology, his parents doubled down with even more repression and lecturing.
Thanks to the Ashley Madison leak, we all how well that worked out.
People like my wife's friend's husbands, as well as the Josh Duggar's of the world, often lie about their online habits and ocular interests because of shame. There are still people who believe masturbation is icky, immoral and wrong, and they don't want anyone to know they enjoy it just as much as everyone else.
In 1994, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, while dealing with the AIDS crisis, said, "I think that it [masturbation] is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught."
People went ballistic.
Here was the Surgeon General of the United States suggesting masturbation was a healthy alternative to teenage sex, something to be embraced. Instead, America chose to ostrich its collective head in the sand.
It's 2015, and we're still subscribing to failed ideas and ignoring teenage hormones. Personally, I refuse to raise my pitchfork and join in the nonsense.
When my kids near their exploratory years, I'll have that painfully awkward conversation with them about the birds and the bees. And the bees and the bees. And the birds that were born inside a bee body but want to associate with birds as their natural state, as well as the bees who like to dress up as birds but remain a biological bee... I'll do my best to explain it all.
More importantly, I'll let them know that the best way to take care of their inner tinglings is by using their own hand, not experimenting with another person before they're ready. Will I guide them to pornography? Of course not. But if they forget to cover their tracks, I won't punish them if I discover what they've been viewing. We'll have a discussion about what pornography is, and why some people enjoy it.
I'm not looking forward to these moments, but because of them my kids will (hopefully) be well-adjusted, sexually-intelligent adults.
Unlike Josh Duggar.
More nonsense peddled at nathantimmel.com