McConnell: 'Election Is Mandate for Me to Be Gigantic A**hole'

The GOP Senator did not appear to be intimidated by his new mission, saying, "It really plays to my strengths."
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- An emboldened Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell offered his interpretation of the midterm election results today, telling reporters, "This is a mandate for me to be the biggest fucking asshole I can possibly be."

The GOP Senator did not appear to be intimidated by his new mission, saying, "It really plays to my strengths."

Sen. McConnell warned against reading too much into the results, however, cautioning, "The only thing we know for sure is that the American people want me to be a malignant douchebag, morning, noon and night."

The Republican senator pointed to a exit polls showing that GOP candidates scored exceptionally well among voters who described themselves as dickwads.

"The American people have spoken," he said. "They have said, we want to be led by people like us: in other words, ass-wipes."

In yet another sign of their newfound cockiness, Republicans across the country have started admitting that President Obama was born here. Continue reading here.

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