The Booze You Get For Christmas Says This About You

The uncorked truth.

Ornaments, chocolates, framed pictures, coffee mugs, handwritten greeting cards expressing your deepest sentiments: These are some of the presents you could give this holiday season that won't be nearly as appreciated as alcohol.

But why do some people receive bottles of champagne for Christmas while others receive PBR tallboys? What is the gift-giver saying about the recipient? Scientists spent years researching these alcoholic beverages thoroughly, many of them developing serious drinking problems, and came back with these answers.

Here's what people are really saying when they give you these alcohol beverages with a bow on top:

Fancy Champagne

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"Please give me that promotion."
Case of Budweiser

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"I put a lot of thought into your gift while I was at the gas station."
Southern Comfort
"I found this unopened in my liquor cabinet."
Home-Brewed Beer
"You seem forgiving enough to forget how sick everyone got from this recipe last Christmas."
Enormous Bottle of Wine
"Have a nice Christmas alone!"
2 Oz. Bottle of Liquor

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(Said sarcastically) "Don't drink this all in one sitting!"

NOTE: if the giver and recipient are both tiny, mystical forest pixies, the message is actually...

(Said somberly) "Don't drink this all in one sitting."
Guinness
"All I know about you is that your last name is O'Connor."
Lady Bligh Spiced Rum

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"You give off a 'broke pirate' vibe."
Expensive Wine You've Never Heard Of
"I have sophisticated tastes and you should consider sex with me."
Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey

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"You are 14 years old."
Johnnie Walker Red Label Whisky
"Sorry, you aren't exactly a Black Label friend."
Barrymore Pinot Grigio
"To You, From Drew Barrymore. Obviously. No one else would give someone they care about Barrymore Pinot Grigio."
$1.9 Million Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne
"Oh, shit. There was a $10 limit on the office gift exchange?"
Four Loko

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"I want you to die."

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