Media Drunk Tank: Dreaming of a Black Christmas

Saving Private Blitzen

Unlike most people in this country, Fox News' favorite holiday is not Christmas--it's War on Christmas.

Every year, they get out their War on Christmas decorations, dust off their favorite War on Christmas stories, and, at their War on Christmas office party, strive to get drunk enough to match the obnoxiousness and sexual inappropriateness of a sober Hannity and O'Reilly. (With a meticulously planned out binge and purge, Hannity's obnoxiousness is observable--in your typical angry male Fox staffer--for about the life span of a theoretical subatomic particle in a supercollider. No one has ever successfully achieved O'Reilly's baseline lechery without passing out first.)

And so the tradition continues. In yet another "War on Christmas" segment, Fox's America's News HQ recently featured a story on an atheist group in Washington, D.C., that had purchased local ads asking, "Why believe in God? Just Be Good for Goodness' Sake."

Jesse Galef is a spokesman for the American Humanist Association, the organization that paid for the ad campaign. You can question why he does or doesn't believe in God, but the real puzzler is, why the hell would he go on Fox News to discuss it?

He summed up the point of view of his organization this way:

We think it's very important that everybody in our society understands that even if you don't believe in God, you can be good. And this is the message we're spreading. It's something that shouldn't be controversial...

Bill Donahue of the Catholic League, God bless his morally pugnacious little clot of a heart, was brought on to present a thoughtful counterpoint:

They shouldn't be so profoundly ignorant, though. Sociology 101 says morality has always been grounded in religion. They're trying to say, no, it's grounded in individuals. Well, Jeffrey Dahmer had a conscience, too.

Good point, Bill. We must have missed that part in our sociology 101 texts. Maybe it came after the chapter on religious leaders who are prone to ass-raping young boys left in their care. And what better example of secular morality could you have possibility come up with than a wholesome Midwestern serial killer?

Donahue added, "He destroyed his victims and then ate them."

Touché, Mr. Donohue. But you forgot the part about sautéing their livers and sweetbreads with farmer's market California Basil and Whole Foods olive oil while dispassionately weighing the merits of Sartre's atheistic existentialism against Schopenhauer's nihilism, just prior to arriving at the inspiration for zombifying one's unconscious victims to keep them alive for sex.

Yeah, great example. Say, maybe you could come up with an a better one:

"Over 150 million dead because of this man's philosophy--Pol Pot, Hitler, Mao, and Stalin."

Damn, that wily Catholic got us again. After all, wasn't it the Khmer Rouge that originally came up with that whole pernicious "Free to Be You and Me" campaign?

Stupid Sh*t That Michael Savage Said Last Week

Last week, on the Super-Nazi KKK Threatened-White-Men-With-Brains-the-Size-of-Their-Adorable-Wee-Penises Fun Hour, also known as Michael Savage's nationally syndicated radio show, Savage said this stupid sh*t:

When you're socially promoted, you wind up as president of the United States. If you're socially promoted your whole life and nobody challenges you because you're of the proper constitution and composition and you look exactly right and no one's, everyone's afraid to say a word to you, why, you then go to Harvard, you then go to the law review, you then get elected, you then get elected to the next level. This is what happens in a country that's intimidated by its own policies and its own fears.

At this point, Savage's caller, instead of saying, "Oh my God, that's horribly insulting and racist and belittling in the most ignorant possible way; you are a horrible, disgusting troll of a man who couldn't get a Bangkok hooker to look at you naked if you were wearing a unitard made out of euros and heroin; I think I'm going to switch over to All Things Considered on NPR now," said, "You've put it in perspective for me, and I appreciate that.

Emboldened by the realization that there was at least one person in this country as incalculably stupid and racist as himself, Savage continued:

But this is just the beginning of it, my friend. You haven't seen any of what's coming in this country. You are going to see the wholesale replacement of competent white men, and I'm targeting exactly the group that's gonna be thrown out of jobs in the government. And I'll say it, and I'll be the first to say it, and I may be not the only, the last to say it. I am telling you that there's gonna be a wholesale firing of competent white men in the United States government up and down the line, in police departments, in fire departments. Everywhere in America, you're going to see an exchange that you've never seen in history, and it's not gonna be necessarily for the betterment of this country.

With a serial nepotist and habitual moron giving the keys of the White House over to our first so-called "affirmative action" president, and the economy in shambles thanks largely to the efforts of an army of "competent," white Wall Street insiders, we'll let the irony stand without further comment.

A Loon With a View

Most companies use their Web sites as a way to connect with their customers and advertise their technological and business savvy. Judging by its online content, Fox News uses theirs to connect with viewers who are just smart enough to replace the batteries in a TV remote but not yet quite intelligent enough to open a Web browser. In other words, much like Bill O'Reilly's cell phone, it's an expensive and wasteful tool intended primarily for high-tech masturbation.

Case in point: As of this writing, one of the top videos currently on is a response to Bill Maher's late-September appearance on The View.

Here's the background: Maher came on the program to promote his recent documentary Religulous. Maher talked about how the biblical story of Jesus, with its virgin birth and resurrections, was eerily similar to the mythologies of other deities who had been popular around the Mediterranean for many years before Christianity took hold.

Sherri Shepard, the newest co-host of The View, offered up some of her own home-brewed theological perspective:

I know in believing God, you have to suspend a lot of logic in believing God. But when you did this movie, you talked to a lot of people about God. Have you ever just talked to God and asked God what does he think?

When Maher talked about whether or not God would answer, she proclaimed, "He answered me."

Maher quipped, "Well then we should call Bellevue. If you think...because that's just a voice in your head."

Okay, so that's all well and good. But when Fox & Friends later showed the clip, co-host Gretchen Carlson let the world know that your typical Fox viewer apparently has all the worldly sophistication of an Amish apprentice butter churner:

We should mention that Bellevue is a hospital for mental patients. So he's making the description of her believing in God and hearing voices that she should be checked into the mental institution.

Thanks for the assist, Gretchen. So you're basically admitting that your average Fox & Friends viewer doesn't know what Bellevue is? Would they think Maher was talking about a day spa? Do your viewers sit around watching old cop shows saying, "Gee, what is this Sing Sing place everyone keeps talking about?"

Oh, but it gets better. Gretchen then lets us in on some of her own theological musings:

Basically, the whole argument of religion is believing in faith. I mean, have to...that's why you call it faith. And so it just depends on if you take everything literally or figuratively. But that's a while 'nother debate. Obviously, Bill Maher does not believe in any kind of religion.

Lady, you are the St. Thomas Aquinas of your generation.

Then Brian Kilmeade, who, if he lived in the 1930s Germany, would have been the friend that pressured you into Hitler Youth, chuckled:

Yeah, Bill Maher obviously doesn't and you know what? He's going to have a hard time explaining that at the pearly gates.

Sadly, Brian would have about as much chance getting into heaven as Gretchen would of getting into Mensa.