The Blog

Meet Men The Way You Lose Weight: By Detaching From The Outcome

How do you get rid of this fear of rejection? By disconnecting yourself from results and connecting with the process.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

Nothing keeps us further away from guys we're interested in than the fear of rejection. Even if the guy you like rejects you nicely, a no is a NO. The thought of him looking for something better as you're talking or excusing himself from the conversation is too much to bear. What if he walks away as you're talking? What if everybody sees it? These are real possibilities, after all. You might be ignored. Worse, MOCKED. The potential for a negative emotional outcome is high, especially if you don't know what to say or how to act. Better to leave with your self-esteem intact than to take the chance that he'll crush it under his heel.

How do you get rid of this fear of rejection? By disconnecting yourself from results and connecting with the process. Let's take dieting as an example. Your goal (the desired outcome) is to lose ten pounds. The method (or process) is to eat fewer calories.

Focusing on the outcome drives you to weigh yourself every day looking for signs that you lost weight. You then become frustrated that you're not losing weight fast enough. So you starve yourself to get quicker results. The starvation leads to anxiety and a sense of futility and next thing you know, you're off the diet.

Over-attachment to the outcome rarely works.

Here's another approach: You never weigh yourself. You forget your goal of losing ten pounds. What matters is getting healthier. And the only way to do that is to eat better. So you focus on that, eating smaller portions of healthy food, avoiding high-fat snacks and desserts. You're adapting to a new lifestyle and at the end of the month you realize you've lost some weight.

That's committing to the process and detaching from the outcome. And it works every time.

Now, how does this apply to meeting high quality guys? Let's say you're going to approach Mr. All That and you really want him to go out with you. Your focus is on impressing him and and trying to do so well that he can't help but date you.

But you have no control over whether he's going to date you. Maybe he's going to go out with the other hottie in the corner no matter how great a candidate you are. Maybe he'll have an irrational dislike of you, or maybe he'll be in a bad mood when you talk to him. You can't control him and you know this at some level. But you feel that you must control him because the desired outcome is too important.

Result? You feel like you're under tremendous pressure, you become self-conscious, your mind goes blank and you have a very awkward encounter. He smells your nervousness and desperation. You try to hide it, and end up looking even more desperate. When you leave the bar you're worn out and feel sick to your stomach.

But suppose you do commit to the process and detach from the outcome? How would that look like? First, you study up on the conversational skills that predispose guys to like you. You practice them. You prepare.

And then you accept the fact that there's NOTHING you can do to compel him to date you, so you don't try to control that. It's out of your hands. If you get a date, fine. If not, that's the way it goes. Whatever will be will be. Your only focus is doing the best you can with the material you've learned.

You priority is in the approach itself -- the skills you're practicing -- not on the prospect of getting a decision to date later. You are in the moment. Because you've let go of your need to control and impress Mr. All That, there's an ease to you -- relaxed, confident and entertaining. When your interaction ends, you leave feeling wonderful, and put the possibility of a date out of your mind, knowing that you can do nothing further to affect the course of events.

Bottom line: Commit to the process; detach from the outcome.

Mike Alvear is the author of the instantly downloadable ebook,