I Don't Think I Want to Meet My 'Match'

I filled out my profile and said what I wanted, told them what I was looking for and evidently, I'm into drunk, sex-obsessed short men who have no ambition, but are baby crazy. Thanks!
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
USA, New Jersey, Jersey City, Bored couple sitting at bar counter
USA, New Jersey, Jersey City, Bored couple sitting at bar counter

No surprise to anyone, I see a shrink. I know, I seem so level-headed and on the right track. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a train wreck in a glass case of emotions. But I do whatever I have to do to maintain some sort of semblance of normalcy in my life.

After seeing this new doctor for a few months, she asked me if I was interested in dating again (not her -- that would be weird and a tad awkward). I wasn't back then, but after a while, I got fed up with bein set up or tricked into going on a date and well, you know how lovely they've been ending up. She asked if I had ever tried any dating sites, and I hadn't. I was dead set against them. All I had heard was one horror story after another, and I still think the numbers given by and e-Harmony are as real as my hair color.

But since getting frustrated with the setups, the repeated run-ins with married men, I figured maybe I should just bite the bullet and try one out. Based on my doctor's suggestion, I went on 'How About We...' and I think she's either getting a kick back from them or she's just as evil as the majority of my friends.

I filled out my profile and said what I wanted, told them what I was looking for and evidently, I'm into drunk, sex-obsessed short men who have no ambition, but are baby crazy. Thanks! It's nice to see my self-esteem will be nonexistent with the help of you and your risk-free trial.

First off, the guys on there seem to have a drinking problem. Either that, or they have unlimited access to roofies. Everyone wants to go binge drinking and/or try every beer at The Cambridge Brewing Company in one night. I had half a glass of Guinness last week and I'm still surprised I made it up the stairs. The kid is a cheap date -- it's one of my major selling points. So, spending the night boozing it up usually ends up with me naked and face down in bed. Now, I know I was slutty back when I weighed the same as Nissan Pathfinder, and I'd take whatever attention I could get. But I'd rather not participate in drunken surprise sex now.

I had a guy call me shallow and say I turned him down because he was overweight. No, I turned you down because I can't eat my weight in Mexican food anymore. Believe me, I love a good burrito. But it takes me three days to eat one. You wanted to have a 10-course dinner AND have booze too? If I tried to do that, it would get messy, and I don't think me projectile vomiting is the first impression I want to make. Call my crazy, but I'd like to think most guys frown up on that behavior. Granted, he could have been into Roman Showers (don't act like you don't know what they are!) and I'm not judging... OK, maybe I am. But that's not what I'm into. Good day, sir!

One of my 'Daily Dates' was a lab tech who seemed to be obsessed with finding a 'real girl,' which makes me think the last few ladies had some extra candy in their panties and he wasn't about to be seen with a lollipop in his mouth. He also said he had a weakness for girls who "...are just sooo sweet!!!" I'm just going to assume it was a group of 12 old girls who made the profile up as a goof during a slumber party. Because there is no way there's a grown-ass man who writes like that. Listen, I weep for the editors who have to read my nonsense. I know I have the grammar and spelling skills of a feral rat, but I at least make an effort to sound like an adult. Speaking of bad spelling, it's the 'Merrimack River' NOT the 'Merrimike River.' Spell check is your friend, folks. And yes, I checked, there is no 'Merrimike River'.

Although, I'm sure it would be lovely if it existed.

Oh, by the way, men -- please use pictures with all of your clothes on and don't have a kid in your picture that looks depressed or like it's being held against its will. Women will think you're holding the child hostage and we don't need that kind of stress in our lives. "DATE ME OR THE KID GETS IT!" is not the best way to open a dialogue with a lady. I know... we're so high maintenance.

Oh and no, I don't want to go to your apartment and listen to records. We all know it will end with me stuck in a crawl space and forced to listen to Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass records 24 hours a day. I'm not interested in going on patrol with Buffy (ends with me stabbed with a wooden stake and stored in a crawl space) and no, I don't want to go babysitting with you (not going there).

OK, maybe I'm being a tad bit negative -- there have been a few guys I've been interested in. The guy who's date idea was learning Chinese in a small village way up in the mountains of rural China gets a thumbs up based on originality alone. So, they're not all bad -- there's been a few decent guys. Now I just need to con them into being interested in me. That'll be easy, right?

No, no it won't. *bangs head*