Are You Too Old to Say, 'My Bad?'


Why does the X & Y generation get to have all the new, fun slanguage? They get to say "totes" and "probs" and "adorbs." But how original is that? Because of their lazy tongues, they shorten or abbreviate a word and then it hits it big time and catches on with the masses. I can do better than that. Below, I present some new Words For US and OUR time. And we know who we are! Please help "spread the word!"

Bodyostasis -- n. Those rare, fleeting moments when nothing hurts or feels out of whack.

Mattressable -- adj. A term used for a woman who is easy to sleep with. Not that kind of sleep. Actual shut-eye. "Cynthia didn't throw the covers off and on according to her body temperature fluctuation, nor admonish him for breathing, blinking, snoring and she even let him cuddle with her once, therefore Steve deemed her highly Mattressable."

Menopausability -- n. You skipped your period! Could a 50-year-old be pregnant? It's a distinct "menopauseability," since you occasionally still ovulate, but more than likely you're just starting the change of life. Relax! You'll soon be pushing a walker, not a stroller.

Menobump -- n. Related to above. Friends will look at your midsection and wonder, "Is she or isn't she?" But woe to the man who actually ventures forward and says, "Congratulations!"

Babyboomerbitterbutterbetter -- adj. A feeling of betrayal during all those years you switched to margarine and thought you were eating healthier, only to find out it was actually harming you. Damn the partially hydrogenated process.

Eggoangst -- n. Similar sensation to above. When you hear that eggs have been given a bad rap for years, you mourn the missed omelette opportunities in your 20-30's.

Canceropoloy -- n. The final conclusion that it doesn't matter what you eat, there will always be an article saying it's bad for you. People who fit in this category are fond of saying, "You only live once and I'd rather die young and happy."

Afeeliate -- v. The strong desire to affiliate with others who feel the same symptoms of aging that you do. Closely tied to illfeeliate: "Linda wants to illfeeliate herself with other women who feel like sh*t because misery loves company."

Repeat-o-mind -- n. A brain that fools you into thinking you can still do something just like you used to. "Rebecca suffered a repeat-o-mind, which caused her to go horseback riding with her young adult children." PS: Rebecca's uterus will never forgive her.

Wondertainment -- n. When a title of a movie sounds so familiar that you wonder if you've seen it before?? "45 minutes into the movie, Trudy realized Titanic was wondertainment." Not to be confused with...

Onertainment! -- n. An enviable state for people who want to simplify life. The ability to own just one book, one DVD or CD because each time you hear, read or watch it, it's like the first time, brand new and enthralling!

Candleaccountability - - adj. The crucial earlier moment in the kitchen, when the Cakewalker (one who walks the sheet cake into a crowd while leading off the "Happy Birthday" song) decided that each single candle can represent an entire decade.

This cake simply has no Acandleability!

Flipoverbreath -- v. When you insist your husband turn over and face away from you in bed because his exhalations are hotter than a dragon's. Calling him "Lava breath" will never earn you the title of "Mattressable," either.

Roomrecall -- n. That magical moment when you remember why you walked into the den in the first place.

Haditallalong -- adj. The realization you get after you ask someone if they've seen your glasses and you're already wearing them, or your cell phone, which you're currently talking on.

Namegameblameshame -- n. A syndrome during which you call your teen child by all their sibling's names first, and even a few names you almost gave them when you were pregnant. Their actual name does come to mind, however, by the time they humiliate you by saying, "Hi! I'm Mitchell, your firstborn. Nice to meet you."

Agexaggerate -- v. Purposely telling someone you're 10 years older than you actually are so you can hear back, "Wow, you look great for 64!"

Doctorson -- n. A physician so young, you could be his mother.

DaughterDr -- n. Female version of above.

Battersneaker -- n. One who engages in the act of promising a child they can lick the bowl, but then pretends they forgot and accidentally washed it to cover up their own crime.

ItemOrigination - n. Going into a grocery store and buying everything except what you came for in the first place.

Actnesia -- n. The loss of a skill you were particularly proud of in which you could watch a movie and identify all co-stars by first and last name, cite who they are related to and give at least two other examples of films your partner has seen them in before. "Bill keeps very quiet on movie date nights since his recent bout with Actnesia."

Glutendisputin' - prop n. One who maintains the entire gluten-free industry was thought up by a guy who hated that his mother put whole wheat sandwiches in his lunchbox when other kids got Wonder bread.

Inventionintention n. -- Knowing you thought of a clever new product first and admitting you were too lazy to do anything about it. Claims can date back to electricity.

Holipressure -- v. The influence other neighbors can exert on someone who is too old or fatigued to put up X-mas lights or other exterior decorations. Closely connected to a Reluctoweener -- someone who really doesn't want to dress up for a Halloween party so they just carry a trivial prop. i.e., "Dave asserted he was wearing a Plumber costume because he carried a toilet plunger." (In reality though, Dave just had a fear of clogging public toilets.)

Trendependafriend -- prop. n. -- someone you've known for years who makes it her business to ensure you stay up-to-date with the latest fads. She's the one who shamed you onto Instagram. Or she will forward you this list!

Slangshorterm -- v. The tendency to forget all these new and clever slang words the moment you close your browser, thereby reducing the chance they will ever catch on to the over-50 crowd, who desperately need new terminology to describe that which there are simply no words for!

Meanwhile, I remain your professional Slangcologist, soon to publish my new, hip (as in trendy, not a body part to be broken) Boomerictionary. Until next time...

TopoftheCane to you! (n. A cute little goodbye salute one gives by cheerfully gesturing with their walking implement.)

Originally appeared in a moderated format on Author's humor blog, "Once Upon Your Prime"