Memo: To the Republican Party

Memo

To: The Republican Party
From: Angela Merkel, David Cameron, Francois Hollande, Muslim Leaders, et. al.
Subject: Your Trump Problem/Our Trump Problem

Summary: Rolling sanctions imposed on America as Trump moves toward the White House.

Speaking as a coalition of world leaders (absent the United States), it has come to our attention that Americans appear to be up against an intractable and irritable problem, a problem which, if not solved in a timely fashion, may well carry over into matters of state far beyond your borders.

We have been looking with deepening dread at the decline in the strength of the Republican voters' collective spine; where once you seemed able to stand tall and elect leaders we could deal with, more or less, you now seem ethically bent and morally stooped, incapable of chucking out a candidate who, if elected, will do more to wreck centuries of American progress than any president before (and there have been some foul presidents, as you know).

Within the memory of many of our own citizens (and many of your own Greatest Generation), there have arisen demigods whose sole purpose was to lead their chosen people into the darkness of civilization. We should not have to name specifics, but there was a man in the early 20th century who sought to deprive vast numbers of people basic human rights, who burned books (like shutting down the Internet today, perhaps), who demonized certain faiths, and who publicly bullied people of different colors and cultures. There were some like him in Russia, and in the Far East and Southeast Asia, some in the Middle East, some in South America. We've seen them, we have been stained by them, we have died under their hands, and we do not wish to see them again.

So, getting right to the point: We have decided to initiate a series of sanctions against the United States beginning in 2016, phasing them in, beginning with the caucuses, increasing them at the Republican convention in the summer, and with the most punishing sanctions taking effect next November, the day after your general election.

These sanctions will include trade restrictions on many popular imports--toys, foods, electronics, clothing, coffee--and sanctions on tourism; frankly we do tire of the average American tourist with bulging hot pink stretch pants, selfie sticks, and cuisine demands that are abominable. You may not all be like that, but, hey, sanctions against one are, unfortunately sanctions against all.

Here is our proposed course of action:
  1. The first level of the sanctions will kick in during what you call your caucus process; every time one of your states' electors moves toward a Trump candidacy, we will level a sanction. You may find, that by spring break, many foreign tourists are not showing up at Disney World or helping boost revenues in other resort cities.

  • If, by the time of the Republican convention in Cleveland, Ohio, next July, you have decided on backing Mr. Trump as the Republican candidate, a new round of increasing tough sanctions will kick in. Certain restrictions on American tourism may be initiated;
  • Should Mr. Trump actually win the general election, we will squeeze the targets of those sanctions like a grape in a vice. We have no patience for such stupidity, bigotry, xenophobia, or hate of gargantuan proportions. As World War II survivors' T-shirts say, "Been There, Done That."
  • On the upside: you can easily and quickly avoid any talk of international sanctions by coming to your senses. You have a tough winter coming up, and many early caucuses to get through, but we have faith that by March, May at the outside, none of us will have to repeat this conversation, and you will never see the inside of a sanction (trust us, they don't look pretty). Just keep Mr. Trump out of the picture, and we'll all be friends. But remember what could happen in July. Our trade and tourist doors will begin to close, and you wouldn't want that, would you? We didn't think so.