Memories Forgotten (From a Ward of the State)

When you're having a bad day, you try to think about better days. What if you've had more bad days then good? How can you block out the bad times to remember better days, when there has been so few of them?

I hate when people tell me to reflect on good memories. Little do they know, I don't have many. I struggle with good memories because most of my life has had bad times. I've survived child abuse, child molestation, rape, being unloved, unwanted and bounced around from family to family. I had a broken adoption, experienced the murder of my sons father, domestic violence, bullying and so much more!

My bad days definitely outweighs the good days. I have these days where I have a brief flash of memory after seeing something that 'seems' familiar. I can feel that it was during a happy time of my life, but I can't remember the scenario. I can't remember the scenarios because I would have a bad time right after or before that ONE GOOD time.

I think of it this way, but this is my reality; I had a day where I might have been able to go outside and play with other kids during my childhood, but I can't remember the events of that time. I can't remember the events of that time because I would have experienced a beating right before or after that time playing outside. I had those moments during my abusive childhood, where I just felt like I was in heaven based on something simple. Something like going out to eat was the HAPPIEST moment of an entire month. I would be so happy about those times because I was typically left to sit in a car for hours while my adoptive parents ate inside of a restaurant. After a time of enjoying a small part of life, I would be subjected to abuse and mistreatment for the next 6 months. After those 6 months, I could barely remember the feelings of excitement from eating out because so much bad had happened since then.

So how do you reflect and remember the good times when you've only experienced them every blue moon? You don't, because you can't. When you try to force yourself to remember you end up sifting through all of the bad memories to get to that 'one good memory.' You become more stressed, overwhelmed and sad because you become stuck on those memories when you only thought of them to get to a good one. That then leads to depression.

You're focus to get through that rough point should be on creating new and better FUTURE memories. You get out of those sad times when you think about the good times to come. You get over and through the negative points of that moment and past moments, by thinking about ways to make your future memories, BETTER!