The Power of Our Menses Magic

Women's menstruation never ceases to fascinate us.

From Donald Trump, who dismissed a debate moderator with "She was probably bleeding out of her wherever," to the Facebook story going around about a marathon-running woman who freely menstruated down her legs. Apparently, she wanted to encourage women to be proud of their periods. We are fascinated by bleeding women.

Not to be controversial here about period pride, but I think if perhaps we can view the menstruation cycle as neither a source of pride or shame, then that would be a huge gain for women. And their ovaries.

Women's reproductive systems are never far from the surface, whether we're talking about political issues or having an argument with our spouse.

Perhaps, we should go ahead and tell the truth about our periods.

It's all true.

Periods are magical.

Periods are to blame.

Periods are scary.

Personal lady items would cause muscle mass loss in males.

The ancient Romans believed that coming into contact with a woman who was bleeding out of her wherever, could kill crops, dull the edge of steel, rust bronze, and cause fruit to fall from trees. They believed that if a menstruating woman washed linens, the linens would turn black. Of course, we know now that all those things are true. We just had to hide our menstrual lights under a bushel because, apparently, making seeds dry up in a field with our twats freaks men out. Then to keep the peace, like we always do, we stopped using Aunt Flo to turn dogs rabid and to control hail storms and whirlwinds.

Everyone knows that periods are to blame when women act like assholes.

There could be no other reason for a woman to be irritable or unhappy other than her wherever is leaking.

Have a difference of opinion with someone? You must be on the rag! Tired of hearing your husband bitch about everything under the sun when you just need some peace and quiet? If it weren't for your pesky period, then you'd be happy to listen to that same story about Bob in the office who clips his fingernails at his desk.

While all humans are sometimes unreasonable or short-tempered, the only reasonable explanation for women to be pissy is because she's got a case of the monthlies.

Periods are terrifying. Just the mention of menstrual blood can make full grown men turn white and run out of the room.

Probably because they know that coming into contact with menstruating woman can turn their food rancid. We used to be able to overthrow the powerful magic of the shaman every time the moon was full, but not anymore. When just the mention of a period can turn a perfectly capable man into a babbling idiot, we've had to tone it down. We've been reduced to using that monthly advantage for making vague references to womanly issues to get out of work for the afternoon. Unless we have a female boss, then we can't even use it for an excuse to get out of the office for a few hours.

Some men may already be in the know about the way tampons destroy muscle mass. They would never, in a million years, pick up a box of tampons or pads. Smart, really, because as soon as their hands come in contact with sanitary supplies, the cotton sucks their strength. The essence of that strength is trapped in the stay dry weave and stays there until we use the pad. Then as the pad absorbs the menstrual blood, we absorb the strength the pad stole from the poor sap who was dumb enough to walk down the feminine hygiene aisle.

We should take back our magical power and come clean about our periods. We should go ahead and confirm the worst fears. We are powerful and great and evil when we are bleeding.

Or, perhaps, we could accept that women can have an opinion, a bad day, or the occasional crop failure. It has nothing to do with our periods. Maybe, we could reach an understanding that menstruation is as natural as the phases of the moon. Periods don't need to be considered when interacting with each other.

Or maybe, the next time some douche twizzle dismisses us with a "she must be on her period" comment, we go ahead and unleash our ancient menses magic.