People don’t recover from mental illness. At least that was what I was told by my treatment providers 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder at age 18. I was told that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain, and that like diabetes, I could “manage” my illness with a lifetime of medication and therapy, but that I would never recover.
As my illness progressed, and I was put in the psychiatric hospital at least a dozen times, I began to hear more and more about the chronic nature of the illness, and the effects it would have on my ability to have any sort of life. I was still very young, but already, my fate seemed to be sealed. I would not be able to work, but instead should go on disability. I belonged in a state hospital with no end date, as I wasn’t “functioning” in society. I probably wouldn’t get married, and should never consider being a parent.
And yet, today, I am typing this article from my office in Manhattan, where I train therapists and psychiatrists, with two degrees (one from an Ivy League school), very satisfying relationships, and most importantly, NO SYMPTOMS AT ALL of my mental illness! In fact, I haven’t had symptoms for nearly a decade.
In my spiritual practice, we have a saying: “making the impossible possible.” In the rest of this article, I am going to attempt to distill a 20 year journey into some lessons learned that hopefully can help you or someone you know to “make the impossible possible,” too.
1. I never gave up: No matter how many different medications I tried, how many unhelpful support groups I attended, or how many ill-informed or even harmful providers I visited, I kept trying. I wanted more than anything to have a happy, healthy life, so I just kept on attempting different types of treatment until I hit upon things that worked.
2. I thought long and hard about what made me truly happy: While my friends were graduating college and taking jobs because of the money, because it was what their parents told them they should do, or for many other reasons, I spent years thinking about what would truly make me happy, both for my vocation, and quite honestly, in almost every life situation I encountered. Why? Because it was life or death for me. When you are living with chronic suicidal thoughts, unhappiness can mean the sad decision to end one’s life. And, I knew I wanted to live, so I put my happiness before anything else.
3. I learned to function through my symptoms: Even though I was at times seeing and hearing things that weren’t there (also known as psychosis), and even though I at times had intense panic attacks that made me not want to leave my home, I learned to go into the world when I was symptomatic. I would go to class in college even when I had psychosis. I would go to my friend’s parties even if I felt anxiety and wanted to stay home. And, as I “pushed back” against my symptoms in this way, they began to lose their power over me, and eventually went away.
4. I stayed in my community: I would have much preferred to live at home with my parents than stay in college. I was embarrassed by my symptoms, which I thought were apparent, and wanted to hide. Yet, I never returned home. And, by living in the world, I learned to do my laundry, food shop, and pay bills, even with my symptoms. I learned invaluable survival skills that I would have missed out on if I didn’t remain in my community.
5. I learned skills: I was fortunate to be placed in a form of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. In this therapy, I learned coping skills to manage intense emotions, and to deal with difficult interpersonal situations. I took this therapy very seriously, doing my homework, and really applying the skills to my life situations.
6. I tapped into my own spirituality: I searched for a type of spiritual practice that made sense to my values, and after ten years of seeking, I was able to find it. I still practice every day, which involves daily meditation.
7. I found my purpose: As I mentioned earlier, I was not just seeking a career to make money. I wanted to make a difference. And, I didn’t stop until I found my way with it. I remember when I gave my first talk about my recovery journey for free. I felt as if it was my life mission. I asked a respected friend who knew a lot about the field how I could get paid to do that. He said “you can’t. That job doesn’t exist.” And, he was right, that job didn’t exist at that time. But, now it does.
8. I learned to be authentic, and create my happiness: This could really be two separate things, but for brevity’s sake, I will leave it at this: I learned to be my true self. I found that the more authentic I was to myself and what made me truly happy, the more I was able to create a happy life for myself. I learned from my spiritual practice to take TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY for my happiness, and that happiness could only be created from within. So, with every area of my life, I have been painstaking about seeking out situations that truly make me happy, and when I find I’m not in one, I find a better situation. I also learned not to rely upon anything outside of myself to make me happy—not money, not relationships, not a job, not anything.
The late Leonard Cohen wrote:
Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
The “crack” in me may have been mental illness, but it was also the point through which the light could enter my life. My happy, illuminated, joyful life is not in spite of my mental illness, it’s because of it.