Sheri Sanders and Christopher Castanho have teamed up to write a series of articles surrounding “tricky to discuss, but necessary” social topics through the lens of Students and Teachers in the Musical Theatre community called “Musical Theatre: The Wild Side“. For their third installment, the pair decided to tackle the now overwhelmingly common topic of “Mental Illness” and dissect how it relates to Musical Theatre education. After discussing with a handful of wonderful and brave individuals, Sheri and Christopher have decided to split this segment into two parts. The first part will be focusing on hearing from people who have dealt with mental health conditions from their youth through their collegiate training experience, entitled “Mental Illness and Musical Theatre” The second part will focus on the group’s discussion with a trailblazing researcher and Musical Theatre educator Kaitlin Hopkins, focusing on the college wellness experience, entitled “Mental Wellness and Musical Theatre”
Christopher: The first article of this series was focused on sexuality in Musical Theatre education and Sheri opened the discussion by hearing my thoughts on what it was like being a gay male studying theatre, and the current need to conform to “work in the market”. Now I get to turn the tables: Sheri, what’s your personal history like with mental health?
Sheri: Well, I was a VERY free spirited young person as far as I could tell, energetically. I went to Emerson College in Boston to study Musical Theatre, and as SOON as I got there, I found it impossible to handle what felt like a very immediate, unexpected and out of control experience, so I started smoking weed and eating everything in sight, and I was “shut”. Now, people call it “High Alert”, or “fight or flight” but at the time I was just very embarrassed about it. When the end of the year came, I dropped right out. I mean I had NO Idea what was happening to me. So I moved to NYC, and even though i’d been in therapy for years, I still struggled with this very odd mechanism of going into “high alert” and “shutting” every time something scary happened. Even if it was GOOD/scary, like final callbacks for a Broadway show. So 5 years ago I casually told my therapist that when I was 13 years old, I was hit by a car and badly injured, they put me back together in the hospital and sent me home to recover and then I just went about my business, never again mentioned. He asked me if I was afraid something was going to “come out of nowhere and knock me out”, and if would “knock myself out first” by shutting so I didn’t have to feel the impact...and with my response of, ”OMG, YES,” I was formerly diagnosed with untreated PTSD. I have been in steady treatment since-- learning how to repair, regulate and navigate my own nervous system in order to stay present in the face of fear and allow my destiny to be fully realized. What most people do not realize is that PTSD is considered a mental illness. This is one of the many reasons why Christopher and I are very excited to talk about what it’s like to navigate Mental Illness in preparation for success in the entertainment industry.
Christopher: I struggle with anxiety, and it didn’t appear until I went away to college, which is something that I openly talk about. I am thankful Sheri and I are able to discuss ‘Mental Wellness’ with a great group of brave and intelligent individuals who are open to sharing their stories and experiences with us. Ashley Mandanas, a senior at University of Oklahoma, Michael DeCoursey, who currently lives and performs professionally in Kansas City, and also a Texas Christian University alumnus, Sammi Sadicario, who graduated from Penn State last year and is a professional performer in NYC and Kaitlin Hopkins, who created and runs the Musical Theatre program at Texas State.
Sheri: Wow. This is a great moment for me. Michael, Sammi and Ashley what were you guys “formally diagnosed” with?
Michael: The first day I walked into a psychiatrist’s office I was 7 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD. They put me on Ritalin and it helped, but--that is a stimulant. So if you have anxiety like myself the symptoms can become worse. The year after I graduated TCU, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and it was severe. I was in so much physical pain I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs, I couldn’t remember the names of my co-workers and suffered from a host of other unheard of physical and psychological symptoms. I was quite literally trapped inside my own body. Since then I’ve been diagnosed with a laundry list--Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, OCD, PTSD, and I have Body Focused Repetitive Behavior Disorder; I compulsively picked my skin, chewed my nails and later dealt with some hair pulling (Trichotillomania) and even at one point nose picking (we call that Rhinotillexomania) however I’ve been ‘pick and pull free’ for over 6 months.
Sheri: Thank GOD for your transparency Michael.
Michael: Two in fifty people have a Body Focused Repetitive Behavior Disorder.
Sammi: I’ll be talking about that when we get to me.
Sheri: Michael….So have you been given a slew of medications to try to treat all these things? I listen to your “laundry list” and I interpret that these are the ways the main anxiety is choosing to expressing itself!
Michael: Well, I wasn’t diagnosed all at once. Those diagnoses all happened over the course of about a year and a half. I’ve tried many medications, but what I think is difficult about medication is that you have to try a bunch of them to find out which one works and it’s different for everyone. It takes time. I think a lot of people try one or two medications and don’t see immediate relief or experience strong side effects, they turn into the “zoloft zombie”, and give up. But there are so many different medications out there. It’s a long haul. Try to stick it out to see if you can find one that works. You will be rewarded if you do, and ultimately find one you like. I take two antidepressants and one controlled substance and experience no side effects. These meds transformed my life in expected ways like improving my mood, anxiety and concentration in unexpected ways like dramatically increasing my vocal range. However some doctors estimate that antidepressants are only effective in two out of three patients and I do believe that a combination of meds, psychotherapy and positive health practices (such as good nutrition, meditation, and exercise) are best when treating mental health conditions.
Sheri: I agree. I take a very low dose of Cymbalta. I have no side effects, and it makes my work with my nervous system specialist feel like magic. Sammi, what was your formal diagnosis?
Sammi: I’ve been in and out of therapists since I was 3 1/2…It started with insane temper tantrums, banging my head at the floor, different signs of OCD at a VERY young age. I was obsessively washing my hands. Then I started biting my nails as I got older, and I would want to apologize whenever someone sees my hands and comments. There are so many people who bite their nails, but for me it’s a sense of control. It is definitely…what was that called?
Michael: BFRB Disorder- check out the TLC Foundation for BFRB’s
Sammi: Well at 13 I began to pull out my eyebrows, eyelashes, and my hair…I wore a wig through middle school, and I was terribly bullied. I couldn’t stop. It negatively affected my entire family so it was hard to “grow out of it” when my whole household was involved. It just added more stress and pressure. At 16, I went to a summer program in Pennsylvania and that was part of growing up for me--figuring out how to be one with my body. But prior to this shift into adulthood, I was diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety- they put me on meds and I was a ZOMBIE. I was completely over drugged in middle school. I lived on Mountain Dew and Vault. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I started journaling. I brought it to my therapist and I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. So I agree, it’s not about being on meds: it’s being on the right meds otherwise you feel creatively and emotionally stifled. It’s a struggle every single day.
Sheri: It’s about finding the meds that turn the faucets down, not off.
Sammi: I’m also looking for holistic ways to get serotonin.
Kaitlin: Well... I’ve got your back for that, Sammi. It’s called Vedic Meditation. Contact Mark Price at Alchemy Collective.
Christopher: I actually meditate every morning and it has honestly changed my life. Never have I been so happy and healthy. I also have found great solace from seeing a therapist and am very open to talking about that. But what I think is so wild is that chemically everyone is built differently... So between the pharmaceutical industry pushing the new and latest medication on people, not knowing whether it will work for you, and also being so young and still developing as a human being, that must feel so overwhelming. Ashley, what has your process with medication been like?
Ashley: I was diagnosed at a young age with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression, and prescribed LEXAPRO. I fell deeper into depression because of it. I attempted suicide and was admitted to a behavioral rehab facility. There I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, and primarily prescribed LAMICTAL. I had no mania anymore, but I also had absolutely no drive or will to do anything. At first, it lightened my days significantly, but after a while, it made me feel excruciatingly empty and numb. I wouldn’t take it regularly, because I hated the void so much. By the way, I pull out my hair also, that’s why I shave it off -and I bite my nails!
Sheri: You're kidding me. You all have that in common? This is for sure a miracle.
Ashley: It definitely is, and it is vitally important. I’m incredibly grateful for this opportunity to connect with others like us and to be able to spread awareness, especially for people who may share my particular diagnosis or want to know more about it. During my first year of college in Tulsa, I attempted suicide once more and was admitted back into a facility--it was then that I was finally and correctly diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, which was previously identified as “Multiple Personality Disorder.” It is a disconnection and/or fragmentation of thoughts and behaviors which results in the emergence of two or more distinct and separate “personalities” in one person. DID is most often brought on by severe childhood trauma. It wasn’t so clearly diagnosable in me for a while, mainly because it is so rare, but also because it spiraled out over years from a very mild case into my current condition.
Christopher: I don’t know the language, so forgive me...But because it was labeled as Multiple Personality Disorder, how does that work? Do you have different personalities that come into effect in certain situations?
Ashley: In a sense, I do. At first I thought I was just having vivid conversations with myself--in my head. Really after my first initial trauma at 14, I began noticing that I would occasionally experience gaps in my memory. However, I would be able to hear later from internal voices what had happened and fill in the gaps that way. Gradually, the voices became external and took on full lives of their own. And, gradually, I accumulated more and more. There are 9 now of different ages and genders, most of them self-named: Tudy, Vanessa, Josh, Wanda, Angela, Lydia, Forrest, Unnamed, and Nan. I call them coping mechanisms--not personalities. That’s just my own personal vocabulary.
Sheri: Well, it’s the truth, that’s what they are. They kept you alive. When you were finally diagnosed were you like, “Omg now everything makes so much sense!”?
Ashley: Yes, definitely. It was such a relief because what I was diagnosed with before wasn’t entirely accurate, yet I was being medicated specifically for it. I also hadn’t had any sort of vocabulary to describe my experiences, and I thought that if I told someone about what was happening, they’d think I was lying or “crazy”. The stigma of being “crazy” is just so uncomfortably intense. But back to your question, Christopher, from before: My coping mechanisms can either take over my body or my mind, or both if they see fit to step in and protect Primary me (Ashley). My first coping mechanism (CP) that ever appeared is a 7 year old girl named “Tudy” who doesn’t know about and didn’t experience my past trauma. She takes over my mind AND body when I feel overwhelmed with emotional pain. Each CP has a specific situation they like to take control over. Vanessa takes control of my thought processes when I'm out at night, heightening my own physical defensiveness If I'm feeling especially panicked in a social situation. This is a VERY simplified explanation, but it’s much like the movie INSIDE OUT. Those different characters have names, identities, and minds of their own and can make decisions separately from each other, but they exist in the same mind.
Sheri: Do they choose together who needs to steps forward at what time? Or do they choose on their own?
Ashley: Both, really. They do talk and coordinate amongst themselves, but most of the time they stick to familiar patterns of protection, individually coming out when they know they can be most helpful. They all exist to help me, and they know their specific roles. But sometimes, a few of them want to further my life for their own gains. Sometimes one will try come forward in a situation that I really don’t want to lose control over, and I have to fight with them to keep my own mind and body. In those situations, when they do succeed in taking over, I tend to blackout, but this is rare nowadays. Sometimes I observe my body’s actions from the safety of my mind, and sometimes I just control my body while my thoughts are mostly those of one of my CPs. When I am in a neutralized state, just my Primary self, I can always hear the voices of my CPs talking to me or to each other. There’s a constant, internal, running commentary on my life.
Christopher: Ashley, I am in awe of the clarity you have and how you navigate your life in this way, and more importantly I am interested to see how these CPs serve you as a performer in the professional world! Speaking of professional world, Sheri, what was it like working as a professional while struggling with your condition?
Sheri: For me, there was no diagnosis for so long, I was just told I have bad anxiety when I started counseling 24 years ago to combat it. It was so frustrating for me because I’ve had 4 nervous breakdowns since I was 19 years old. They each lasted somewhere between 1-2 years. Because I was analyzing it in therapy rather than actually repairing my nerves, I just grew more ashamed and judgemental, and that made the breakdowns even harder to recover from. Also, no one even talked about PTSD until all of our soldiers started coming back from Iraq, and even then people weren’t sure a high functioning person like me could be experiencing the same symptoms. But someone with an alcoholic parent, for example, can have severe PTSD. It lives differently in everyone. A LOT of people are walking around with it, and they just don’t have to feel this way anymore either. So none of you are alone and talking about it through this sort of outlet helps to eliminate the “mental illness” stigma.
Look out for Part Two of this article next week, where we will talk to Kaitlin Hopkins about mental health in colleges and incredible methods to cope!
Special thanks to Ashley Mandanas, Michael DeCoursey, Sammi Sadicario, and Kaitlin Hopkins for being so open and honest to share their perspectives.
If you are experiencing any sort of mental health crisis’, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.
Want to talk with Christopher and Sheri about some topics you think are important within the Musical Theatre community? Click here to get in touch. Their next discussion will be on Diversity in Musical Theatre Education. Be sure to follow their blog: MTWildSide.Wordpress.com for new articles coming soon.