THE BLOG

Merry Christmas Mr. President-Elect: 10 Places You Can Nuke Starting January 20

What a lovely pre-Christmas present you gave us, these absolutely joyful "Messages of Peace" to the world to celebrate, in your unique way, the birth of Jesus Christ. 

Certainly Jesus, himself, couldn't have said it any better than "The United States must greatly strengthen and expand its nuclear capability until such time as the world comes to its senses regarding nukes."

Christ-like in it's messaging, Sir.

And even more so when you clarified by saying "Let it be an arms race" and "We will outmatch them at every pass and outlast them all."

What could be more Merry Christmas-y than this??

So, to support you, our very own "Prince of Peace", in your quest for places to use all of this expanded nuclear capability, I've put together a list of places you can nuke.

1.  You Can Use A Nuclear Weapon to "Get Tough" on ISIS

Nope. That makes no sense at all.  Where would you blow up? Orlando? San Bernardino?

And how do you blow up one individual or a group of 5 or 20 or 50 or 100 that you found were assembling to plot an attack without killing thousands or even millions of extra folks.

Nope.

Let's be efficient. A routine drone strike or simple conventional weapon will do, Sir.

2.  You Can Use a Nuclear Weapon to "Get Tough" on an ISIS Supporting State Actor

Ah, but what about Syria or Iran or Saudi Arabia or Pakistan or any other country that supports terrorism or ISIS specifically? 

Nope.  That could be tricky.

If we nuke Syria, your dear friend Russia might get upset and step in and retaliate and then we'd have a full on nuclear war.

If we nuke Iran, they would probably immediately attack Israel thinking they were involved and we start World War III (and do we really, really know for sure that Iran doesn't have or couldn't get a nuclear bomb?)

If we nuke Pakistan, filled with "Islamic Extremists", Pakistan would like nuke us back, also starting a full on nuclear war.

If we nuke Saudi Arabia - well we would never do that as they are our oil source and ally, but if we did that would likely include or affect Mecca or Medina, the two holiest places in all the Muslim world and we would have just encouraged a full scale global terrorist response from Muslims around the world, even those who never previously thought of being terrorists.

3.  You Can Use a Nuclear Weapon to "Get Tough" on Kim Jong-Un and the Totalitarian Country of North Korea

Nope.

Pretty sure that crazy Kim already has live nukes aimed at Seattle or San Francisco or Los Angeles and would certainly use them and get millions of Americans killed. I know you lost the West Coast pretty badly but moderating some of your political positions would be a more sensible way of trying not to lose these states again in 2020.

4.  You Can Use a Nuclear Weapon to "Get Tough" with Russia

Nope.

We know you didn't like that Saturday Night Live skit where it seemed the shirtless Putin was patronizing you and you'd love to "show him" how tough you are, but this probably isn't a good idea either.

We spent the entire Cold War fearfully hoping to de-escalate tensions and diving under our grade school desks in preparation for what would happen if we didn't.  Russia, as I'm sure your buddy Vlad has told you, actually has a whole lot of nuclear weapons and he's not the kind of guy to joke around with.  He is, as you said, Sir, a really "strong leader", something we know you want to be.  Please don't make him prove how strong he is, because he will. 


5.  Mexico?

Nope.

You're building a fence to keep them all in Mexico, right? No longer a threat here.

Plus, if you kill a few million Mexicans in Mexico, there will be lots of their relatives here in the States that voted for you that won't do that again.

6.  China

Ah, maybe China.  You hate them, they're stealing our jobs and not playing fair. 

Certainly there'd be no downside consequences for that, right?

If an "innocent" phone call with Taiwan would have them parading part of their nuclear arsenal in front of your eyes as a warning, who would imagine that an actual nuclear attack on one of their cities would provoke them to retaliate. 

So . . . nope.

7.  Cuba?

We almost tried that in 1962. JFK didn't think it was a good idea then and it seems even more of a bad idea now since they are becoming our friends and have such great cigars.

8.  Palestine

We know you would have vetoed the recent United Nations Resolution and that you say you fully support Israel but it's hard to see how you could nuke the Palestinian territories without also killing lots and lots of Israelis and maybe even destroying the entire country in the process.

And killing all those Muslims would probably not go down really well with our friends in Saudi Arabia or with the Billion+ Muslims around the world, including the ones who control nuclear weapons in Pakistan.  Also, rumor has it that Israel has had nukes for a really long time and even they, in the middle of a perpetual war of sorts with the Palestinians, have never mentioned it.  So, nope.

9. Iraq or Afghanistan?

Aha. Yes, there are terrorists here, even the horrible Taliban.

But, again, these are Muslim countries and you'd be blowing up hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of innocent Muslims and you would probably create literally millions of additional terrorists as a result.

So, nope.

10. California?

This is probably your best bet, Sir.  Far more hostile to you and your Administration than Russia and, at least for now, not a single nuclear weapon under our official control as we are not yet an independent nation. 

But you might kill your buddies Ari Emanuel and Mark Burnett who kept the rest of those "Apprentice" tapes from coming out.  Don't think a thermonuclear blast is a nice way of saying "Thanks" for saving you from losing the election and, by the way, Arnold, your new employee lives here too.

All in all, Mr. Trump, it might feel really awesome to have an even bigger nuclear arsenal under your sole and immediate control, but there's really no place for you to use it, Sir.  And, even though they may have brown or yellow or black skin, our enemies and pretty much everyone around the world, is almost as smart as you and they do understand that America ALREADY has enough awesomely powerful, fully functioning nuclear weapons to blow them, their families and their countries up and kill every person and every thing on the entire planet.  Seems like a bad business move to spend so much money on things that are completely redundant.

And, oh by the way, by even making your macho claim, you are actually inciting and pissing off the exact people who already are trying to get nuclear weapons to use against us . . . but you probably don't know that because that crazy, conspiracy theorist National Security Advisor guy who supposedly briefs you is too focused on breaking up Hillary Clinton's sex crimes with children.

Sorry, Sir.  I know this wasn't the kind of joyful Christmas news you were looking for.  Perhaps, at least for today, you can focus on "What Jesus Would Do" and see if you can be a real hero, and a real man and find a way to make America and the world safe and secure by continuing the Non-Proliferation path of all of your predecessors as there really is no really good place for you, or anyone, to use even one of them these days!