“It’s behind me now. It happened 16 years ago. I dealt with it, worked through it in therapy, and I’ve moved on. It takes up a small place within but not one that I want to rehash.” So said Jamie, my client for the past six months who has been struggling through a divorce, when I gingerly asked her what she thought of the #MeToo campaign. I had learned about her experience with assault when we touched on pivotal times in her life during our initial sessions.
Twenty-two years old and excited to be on her own, she had just moved to Manhattan from a small city in the Midwest. The proud rentee of a tiny apartment on the Lower East Side, she didn’t worry about safety with the constant hustle and bustle. The pubs, restaurants, stores, music, lights, and traffic all dazzled her senses.
Until Jamie was attacked in the hallway of her walk-up one evening upon returning home at 8 PM. With muffled screams through a cloth over her mouth, the attacker raped her within a few minutes and left her on the floor, curled in a ball. She managed to get herself up, covering herself with her ripped clothing, and climbed the stairs to her apartment.
She did what her common sense told her to do – contacted the police, got checked out at the hospital, and began counseling at a rape center. She continued to meet with a private therapist for the next two years. She spoke about her experience to very few people. Her immediate family – yes; her close friends – yes; and her therapist. And that was it. She was not pushing the experience aside; she was actively dealing with it in therapy and working on coping and getting beyond it so that it would not define her life.
“I respect the people coming forth now and opening up about their experiences but I feel no need nor want to do so,” Jamie told me. “I’m not looking for support or camaraderie, nor do I want to make something out of my experience. I want to keep it in its place, tucked away.”
Though many are choosing to publicize their experiences with sexual assault through the #MeToo campaign, many others may find it triggering. Here are my tips for people like Jamie, who may need to care for themselves while #MeToo fills their news feeds:
Know yourself
Not every victim does well with public outcry and broadcast. Some prefer licking their wounds privately. We need to respect that. Going off line can be the best pill of choice for quick relief. Know your needs and what serves you best in times of psychic pain. Be intentional about creating boundaries for yourself.
Get help and support
If #MeToo reopens an old wound where your functioning is being impacted, seek mental health services. There’s also healing in being there for one another and in sharing stories of pain with trusted professionals and friends.
Find your power in your choice
We may be the victim of circumstance but it does not have to shape or define us. We are free to choose how we respond. And there is power in choice. This mindset will keep us from falling and feeling like a victim, and victimhood only serves to keep us stuck in the muck of our circumstance. Choose how you’d like to respond — or not respond. That will put you in the driver’s seat.
Choose healthy habits
Exercise, eat wholesome and nourishing foods, and get enough sleep. When we feel exposed and most vulnerable, we need to care for our bodies more than ever. Getting those endorphins going provides a natural energizing high. Sitting with ourselves quietly or meditating are salves that can calm our minds and bodies.
For many, #MeToo can feel freeing and liberating, but it can also stir feelings of shame, embarrassment, grief, rage, and sorrow. Let’s give ourselves permission to feel. Don’t push the negative feelings under or hide or deny them. That gives them food for growth and strength. When we cover, squelch, poo-poo, or continuously distract ourselves from feeling those nasty emotions, they end up taking on a life of their own and oftentimes overtake our lives.
Fortunately, feelings don’t last. Like the clouds, they too shift and the sunlight does eventually filter through.