With the shocking statistic that every 3rd or 4th woman experiences sexual assault, we all have our #MeToo story to tell. My first #MeToo story happened when I was eleven years old. I was walking with my family through central Christchurch, New Zealand, where I grew up, when we bumped into the Captain of the Salvation Army Citadel we were worshipping at. He was my parents’ age and I went to school with his daughters. As my parents stopped to talk to him, he suddenly grabbed me and kissed me. I felt shocked and embarrassed. I didn’t know how to react, especially when my parents and the Captain laughed about my embarrassment.
My second #MeToo story happened when I was seventeen years old. I was walking alone in Christchurch, New Zealand, when a man started to drive slowly next to me, asking me if I wanted a ride. I was terrified. I knew that if he tried to force me into his car I couldn’t fight him off. And there no one around who could help. I started to run and eventually he gave up and drove away. When I told me parents my mother said nothing, and my father said in an unconcerned voice that these things happen.
My third #MeToo story happened when I was twenty years old. My elderly doctor slapped my bum as I left his office with a birth control prescription, instructing me to “go and have fun”. Again I didn’t know what to say, so I ignored it.
My fourth #MeToo story involves another man of God. I was twenty-nine years old and having a counseling session from the Methodist Minister of my church, when he suddenly interrupted me and said; “You know it is perfectly normal for a minister to be in love with his parishioner”. I felt embarrassed and confused and decided to ignore him by carrying on talking about what I was talking about.
And my fifth #MeToo story involves my female boss when I had just started a job as a counselor at Nottingham Trent University, England. On my first day of work I drove with her to a team building event. During the car ride she proceeded to tell me all about her sexual exploits. Soon after that day she arrived early one morning and as we stood alone in the reception office, she took off her coat, revealing her unbuttoned blouse and bra. I panicked. I ran up the stairs and locked myself in my office. Again I ignored it because I didn’t know who to speak to. I was also still on probation and I needed this job.
Even though I’ve shared many stories of my life in my books The Silent Female Scream and The Mother-Daughter Puzzle, this is the first time I am telling the story of what happened with the doctor, the Salvation Army Captain, and the Methodist minister. The Methodist minister was a difficult one for me because I liked him. He seemed different to the ministers I’d had before. He was more open minded and encouraged debate. He was the first person to tell me that my problems with my mother were because my mother was a difficult person, and not because I was a bad daughter. And he was extremely supportive of my emerging interest in the mother-daughter relationship.
Having our stories witnessed is powerful. It is why I started Women’s Power Circles. As every woman tells her #MeToo story I can hear a collective relief-filled exhale echoing around the world as women no longer feel the burden of keeping men’s shameful behavior a secret. Women are setting themselves free to speak their truth, and to demand change.
But the telling of our #MeToo stories is only the first step. The second step is to dig deep into our beliefs and lives to understand how this and other sexist behavior has affected us emotionally. I needed to understand how the Salvation Army Captain, Methodist Minister, and Doctor made me feel. I needed to understand why my parents laughed when the Salvation Army Captain kissed me. Why my parents didn’t react to the man in the car. I needed to understand the pervasive generational pattern of male entitlement and sexual abuse in my family, and how it has emotionally disempowered me and silenced my voice.
Through my own life and my mother-daughter work I have learned that change can only come when we understand our Mother-Daughter History. We all need to know not just the stories of what has happened in our life, and our mother’s and grandmother’s lives, but how we have been emotionally affected by what’s happened. When we dig below the detail of what has happened and uncover how we learned to doubt ourselves, to take on someone else’s shame, to tolerate abusive and disrespectful behavior, and to keep quiet, we reclaim our power to fight for a new normal.
We live in a society that believes that men have the right to control and dominate. This exaggerated sense of entitlement is present when a man sexually assaults a woman, a husband beats his wife, a man steals or disregards a female colleague’s ideas, and when a man silences or criticizes a woman’s feelings and needs. We see this sexism everywhere, in families, churches, sport, business, politics, and Hollywood. And as this pervasive misogynistic male behavior continues to be cracked wide open, we are learning how it is passed down the generations. We are learning that it designed to harm women in order to keep them quiet and submissive. And with this knowledge we are learning how to create families, workplaces, religious communities, and a society that respects women.