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Where do I even begin? Tonight's Millionaire Matchmaker is a recap, and not a live-blog, because I was on an FFJD. Oopsies. But whatever. You're getting the same jokes about shoes, a royal flush, and some weirdo who likes Asian bimbos....SO, away we go.

Tonight's episode began with Patti's Mom, Rhoda (obviously her name is Rhoda, because every great Jewish mother's name, more often than not, is Rhoda), and her sister and step-dad. Why doesn't Patti resemble her family? Because she's adopted. Which I learned from the first chapter of Patti's book. Yep, I went there. But basically, when you're living in a foreign country and it's hard to find books in English, naturally the first audiobook you download belongs to (AND IS READ BY) Patti Stanger. It's a natural succession. Don't judge.

Anywhoozle, tonight we had a millionairess, who sort of talked like...a weird duck/a heavy Philly accent with a nice shoe collection (who was actually really pretty, thanks to her gay boyfriend/husband/makeup artist JASON, who has a nice package), and who plays professional poker. Which is sort of awesome.

My grandfather taught me how to play poker at age eight, as the eldest grandchild, so I think it's only natural to refer to queens as "ladies." Beth, the millionairess, always plays Mommy and pays for everything and has 456 pairs of shoez. If I could learn how to turn Five Card Draw into a closet of Loubs, I'd do it.

The millionaireman was sort of a man child resembling Moby. If Moby were a mysoginist with an Asian fetish and a weird policy of treating women like garbage. I mean, I know Patti/Bravo chooses these people based on outrageous and/or severe personality disorders, but Jezebel is going to have a field day with Sean tomorrow. He talked about women as essentially disposable gum wrappers on the bottom of his tattoed, bald shoe. Ick.

So Patti and the Rhoda-meister looked at lots of Asian girls and also older, responsible men who will take care of Beth and buy her yet more shoez and more Botox (because she clearly hadn't had enough.) Also, Beth wore dangly strawberry earrings in this episode. I think it's because she spends so much time in Atlantic City gambling. I can't really discuss this fashion choice. Onwards.

Patti chose a bunch of winners (or losers, depending on how you look at it), and then they had a weirdo mixology class, where they mixed drinks, made small-talk, and got hammered.

Of the four older men (and one younger shoe salesman, being used as a test by Sneaky Patti and Rhoda), Beth picked the nice older guy with the sexual chemistry of a...chalupa. Ech.

So they went on their date and Beth was too much in control and brought her weird gay makeup artist who she sort of flirted with and Ray, the successful and sweet chalupa, sort of zoned out and was weirded out by the fact that Beth kept referring to her gay boyfriend's crotch-zone. Which is understandable. It went eh when Jason finally left and overall meh. It was just strange. It sort of reminded me of the strawberry dangly earrings.

Of the Asian ladiez, Sean chose Allison, the TV show producer who he immediately called a bimbo. This guy is an idiot. He revealed that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, which is cause for some guarded behavior, but not really references to tattoos and boobz and hoes. Allison seemed to sort of put up with it, and dig the Guy Who Looks Like Moby If Moby Ditched Veganism and Became a Douchewad.

In the end, nobody ended up with anybody in the long term but Sean reversed his gross ways to some degree, and Beth realized that it was weird to bring a date to her date. So basically, we got nowhere except that Patti talked about oral sex with Randy Quaid in front of her mother. So, there's that.

More important - Deshawne, the random cabdriver who Patti asks advice of all the time. When is she going to match him up?

Until next time, write a list of your non-negotiables, one of mine being ear appendages resembling fruit.


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