You know that part in Cinderella when the fairy godmother comes and waves her wand, and just like that, Cinderella is dressed to the nines and her ride is on fa-leek and the birds are singing and the dogs turn into horses and everyone is all like, "Oh man, Cinderella is bae" yadda yadda yadda insert more Urban Dictionary terms?
Yeah, something of that sort happens once you become a mom -- except all of a sudden you're able to do these things you never thought you could (or would) do.
So what magically transforms as soon as that baby comes screaming out of the womb? I'll tell you.
1. All of a sudden you don't procrastinate.
Why? Because there is no time for procrastination. If the baby is asleep, you will become the most productive human being you have ever been. Again, why? Because when that baby is awake, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' NOTHING DONE. Do you know how much you can accomplish while breastfeeding? Let me tell you. You can eat (be careful not to drop food on baby), you can watch TV (if you didn't place the remote out of arm's reach) and you can answer emails on your phone. The end.
Cecilia was in bed by 10:30 tonight. This is big. This is really big. In the one hour before she woke up screaming (death to the Tooth Fairy, this teething crap sucks), I made lunches for both my husband and myself, drank a glass of wine, answered emails, did a few things for work, looked up fantasy football stats and cleaned the kitchen.
2. Speed. You have it.
In the corner of your eye, the baby is inching her way to the edge of the bed. You could be in Antarctica. You could be in Toronto. You could be sitting on the toilet. It doesn't matter; you are so fast you will get to that baby at least three seconds before she tries to fling herself off the side of the bed/couch/Empire State Building.
3. Well hello, Miss Cleo, you are now a psychic.
If the baby is crying, expect everyone's heads to slowly turn to you with a dumbfounded look, awaiting a solution. You know what to do, and only you can read that baby's mind. You know exactly why she's crying. And if you don't know why she's crying, it won't take more than three tries to figure it out. You have the gift of motherhood; you are clairvoyant. You can read that child's cry and you are the master of problem-solving. It's fun for like five minutes, and then you just wish everyone could read this kid's mind so you could take a shower in peace without FIFTEEN THOUSAND interruptions.
This is my planner. It's impressive. It truly is impressive. While I would love to gloat all day about how organized I am, I'm going to be real with you all right now. The only reason I am organized is because at this point, if it's not written down it doesn't exist. I'm not even kidding. Mommy brain is a real thing, and there is no number of Sudoku puzzles you can do to reverse it.
5. Wow, you have the ability to say "no" now.
"Ain't nobody got time for that" has sunk in. You totally understand that lady. You get it. Because for real, AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME. FOR. THAT. My coupon app wasn't working in Winn-Dixie the other day. Screw it. Full price. Don't even care. Someone wants you to go to a volunteer thing with them. Uh, unless Jesus emerges from the heavens and decides there should be 36 hours in each day, you are not going to anything that doesn't involve booze or free babysitting.
6. Puke, poop and dirt? Oh, it's in my hair? I didn't even notice (or care).
Perhaps the most magical thing to happen once you become a mom is the fact that ALL of the things that grossed you out before... yeah, you get over those real fast. I've only been a mom for eight months, but I've literally caught Cecilia's poop in my hand. That is a thing that has happened. I have been puked on. I have been peed on. I have had grubby little hands grab my face and smear smashed banana across my cheeks. These are things that would have given me NIGHTMARES before. But now I hardly notice. When Cecilia throws up, I don't care if it's on me as long as she's OK. If she projectile poops, man, I just hope it doesn't get on the walls. I'd rather clean myself up than clean up sheets/floors/laundry/the dog any day.
Oh, and if you think No. 6 is obscene and "ewwww why does she have to talk about that in publicccccc," then you aren't a mom. And no, being a dog mom is not the same. I promise you. It is not the same.
7. You no longer need sleep to function.
One word: coffee.
One more word: coffee
OK last word: napsincars
You defy physics or whatever kind of science says a human needs sleep. You just deal and you keep going. They'll be 18 soon enough, right?
8. Your body conforms in wondrous ways.
If the baby is in bed with you, you literally can mold your body like SpongeBob and conform to whatever shape you need to be so that you don't wake her up. I have no idea how, but I've slept with my rear hanging at least three inches off the bed on more than one occasion. Don't worry, I've been drafting up some diagrams to give you all some visuals on the conformation process.
So congratulations, fellow moms. You are magical. But remember -- with great power comes great responsibility... so don't raise a bunch of brats. ;)
(We can only hope.)