Relationships

10 Misconceptions You Had About Sex As A Little Kid

No, you can't get pregnant just by getting in a hot tub with a boy.
This donut-banana re-enactment is actually pretty accurate.
This donut-banana re-enactment is actually pretty accurate.

Was there anything more shrouded in mystery when you were growing up than sex?

Nope, probably not. (Maybe because people called it “the birds and the bees” ― confusing much?) Below, grown men and women share the funniest things they believed about sex, puberty and pregnancy when they were little.

1. “When I was little, I thought that if I pumped my hands together 20 times a night my boobs would grow. I did this a solid two years in the hopes of becoming at least a B cup like my mom. To my disappointment, I’ve barely been an A cup my whole life. Sigh...” ― Shea Curry, actress and blogger at Shameless Mama

2. “When I was a kid, my friend’s older brother told us ― that’s where 90 percent of misinformation comes, a friend’s older brother ― that sex was ‘kissing while you’re naked in the shower.’ I’m not sure where he got that from, or how he justified the shower as an essential part, but yeah, I switched from baths to showers after that so I’d be one step closer.” ― Dan Perlman, comedian

3. “My parents told me that a stork delivered me, and I think I believed them well into middle school.” ― Julie Krafchick, creator and producer of the “Date/able” podcast with host Yue Xu

4. “I thought if I was in a hot tub the same time as a boy, I would get pregnant. Not having sex or anything like that. Just actually sitting. And on top of that, I just knew if there was a better ratio of girls to boys, it would decrease my odds of getting pregnant. I never got in a hot tub alone with a boy, because, you know — math.” ― Ebony Kenney, blogger at Magic, Sex and Coffee

5. “There was a rumor going around middle school that yellow 5 (the food coloring in yellow Gatorade, Mountain Dew, etc.) shrank your penis. I was worried about that, so I never drank anything yellow. A large part of me still believes this today.” ― David Drake, comedian

6. “When I was a kiddo, my parents would try and find an activity for me to do so they could have ‘alone time.’ Eventually, I figured out what they were doing behind the closed bedroom door, and over time, I noticed that no noise ever came from the bedroom. So I began to think sex was a silent event. Imagine my surprise when I was deflowered, and the woman I was with began expressing herself audibly.” ― Nathan Timmel, comedian and author of Hey Buddy... : Dubious Advice From Dad

7. “Watching soap operas when I was home sick from school led me to believe that you 100 percent had to wear a silk nightgown while having sex. When I found out you could totally opt into being naked (or not, you do you), I. Was. Shaken.” ― Kate Cartia, blogger at As Kate Would Have It

8. “I thought a bong was a penis pump until probably high school. Let me explain: When I was 9, I saw ‘Austin Powers,’ which, as you might remember, featured a penis pump. One day not long after seeing this classic bit of cinema, I was with my friends at recess when we stumbled upon a bong on the playground. In my warped child mind, it looked just like the penis pump from the movie! How did I think it worked? Well, the entry point should seem obvious, and I figured you used the mouthpiece to pump it. Being the narc that I was, I ran over to a teacher and told them I found ‘something bad.’ The teacher’s reaction confirmed it for me. It was definitely something grown men were sticking their dicks into.” ― Angela Spera, host of “This Is Why You’re Single” podcast with Laura Lane

9. “When I was really young, like 13, my Italian neighbor Fabio once told me and my friends that if you have sex with a woman too hard you could get her pregnant. I knew that there was no way this could be true, but I planned on being very gentle when I finally did have sex just to be safe. Sadly, that didn’t happen for a long time.” ― Anthony Bonazzo, comedian and actor

10. “There was a couple years early in my life where I got horny, but I didn’t know about sex yet. Mostly I was turned on by the idea of getting dirt on clean clothes, I think, because that was taboo at the time.” ― David Drake