Usually, when I decide I want to write something, it comes naturally. I'll have an idea of what I want to write/rant about, brainstorm a few ideas following the conception of the topic and take it from there. The words flow, the fingers tap away on the keyboard with ease and it's far from an arduous task. In fact it's a passionate hobby of mine. However, lately that's been far from the case.
I haven't written anything for quite a while, in fact this is the longest writing break I've ever had. Which I'm sure many of you are pleased about, my often inane ramblings are an acquired taste for sure.
Whether it's something topical, personal, or light-hearted, I love writing about a whole multitude of topics and I always like to think that nothing is off limits. I'll tackle any subject, providing I know enough about it and feel I can articulate my opinion well.
Writing to me is cathartic. It's like my own little therapy session. When I've finished writing a blog post, a weight feels like it's been lifted from my shoulders. Like I've just taken a huge breath. I love people engaging with my writing, paying me compliments (although I find receiving compliments hard sometimes) or getting involved in debate. It's a fantastic feeling.
However, recently, I watched as my desire to write disappeared. I desperately wanted to put my thoughts and feelings down, but I didn't know where to start. I'd considered writing a semi-humourous post about my Vape breaking for the fourth time (yes, you read that right; the bastard thing broke AGAIN) but felt a fraud, there was too much going on in my personal life for me to write a rant about something so insignificant such as my broken fake cigarette.
Truth is, it's been make or break in my relationship for the last few weeks. Things have gone to the wire; big-time.
Hard aren't they? Relationships. Especially when you have a child together, you both work (almost) full time and you're like ships in the night for various reasons.
Turning 30 earlier this year shifted something for me. I've not analysed it enough yet but what I do know is that I have seen changes in my behaviours and attitudes that I'm not completely comfortable with. I've felt unsettled. Unsure of what I want for my future.
It's easy to take each other for granted when you're so far down on each other's list of priorities. Your child, your home, finances, sleep, work and everything else in-between takes higher importance and before you know it you literally feel like you're living with a stranger.
I know I've been guilty of taking my other half for granted for quite a while now and think he would concur he has with me too. In fact, we've admitted as much to one another just this weekend when we sat down and spent 8 solid hours having a deep and meaningful. Talking to him candidly about how bad things had got and declaring things I'd never dreamt I'd have to declare was hands down one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
But, it transpires it's also been one of the best.
It meant we had to face up to the dire situation we had found ourselves in, it meant we had to be open about our wants and needs for the future and it meant that the metaphorical crossroads we've been hurtling towards for the best part of a year was something we needed to talk about definitively. Decisions needed to be made. Tough, awful decisions that would have ramifications on not just us but many other people including our almost 3 year old son.
We've been through so much in such a short space of time. 2015; our Annus Horriblus has had a long lasting effect and I think we'd both been naïve to think it hadn't or indeed wouldn't. We'd put things that desperately needed talking about to the back of both our minds and carried on with our lives regardless. That was foolish and one of the major reasons we found ourselves where we have these past few weeks.
I was unsure as to whether I actually wanted my relationship to work not too long ago. I felt we'd drifted too far apart to be able to give things a decent try, we were both different people with different hopes and dreams, different feelings and opinions and we were just delaying the inevitable.
However, I no longer feel like that. I now see us as having a chance to start afresh. Everything has been thrashed out, questions that desperately needed answers have now been answered and we are both firmly of the opinion that we don't want to be without the other.
I've said before that we make a good team. I know I'm very lucky to have a man in my life who never judges me, takes me as I am and loves me warts and all. I'm not the easiest to live with, that has to be noted.
We both admitted just today that we'd got into bad habits. Thus, when he left the house this morning to go shopping I demanded a kiss (don't worry, it wasn't a full on one). Something we hadn't done in an awfully long time. It felt good.
The last few weeks I feel like I've had my head in the clouds, not knowing where to turn, not knowing what I want or at times, who I even was. It was frightening and the feeling of spinning out of control is not one I want to be acquainted with again anytime soon.
However, the word of the weekend has been clarity. I'm finally feeling like I have clarity with regards to my situation. I now feel confident for our future and for our happiness. It's been a tough journey getting to this point but I'm looking forward to 2017 and starting a New Year by turning over a new leaf.
I'm under no illusion that we're unlikely to fall bang in love with each other all over again like we did nearly 6 years ago but right now things are a million times more positive than they have been for quite a while and that in itself is a reason to celebrate for sure.
There are so many reasons I wrote this. Catharsis is one. A big one. But I also want to offer up experience to others. Relationships are a challenge, they need to be worked at, nurtured and appreciated. We're only human, life doesn't come with a manual and we are all learning every day. Sometimes we just need to take a step back, take stock and realise the bigger picture. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others but if we can learn from where we went wrong and understand why we undertook the path we did then losing our way for a while hasn't been all for nothing.
I firmly believe that good can come from bad and I'm hopeful that I'll be proved right in this instance.