Mitt Romney Should Get Female Vote Because Of His Superior Bodily Fluids, National Review Says

Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney writes on a white board as he talks about Medicare d
Republican presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney writes on a white board as he talks about Medicare during a news conference at Spartanburg International Airport, Thursday, Aug. 16, 2012, in Greer, S.C . (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

I'm sort of gratified that someone has finally had the courage to argue for Mitt Romney's election based on theories culled from "Doctor Strangelove" -- specifically Base Commander Jack D. Ripper's contention that "precious bodily fluids" are the be-all and end-all signifier of American Exceptionalism. Stepping up to offer this contention is the National Review's Kevin D. Williamson, and I'll straight up admit that I'm envious that there is a guy out there who can write such an argument for a living. Kudos, sirrah!

So, the basic gist of his piece is that Mitt Romney has got mad-potent baby batter brewin' in his loins, and if you ladies knew what was good for you, you'd step to the fore to receive his communion, because -- after all -- "the conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status."

You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched. Son of the same, father of more. It is a curious scientific fact (explained in evolutionary biology by the Trivers-Willard hypothesis — Willard, notice) that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap.

Yes, just so you know, this entire thing is written from the point of view of an ejaculate-obsessed jazz hepcat.

The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5).

Nice work, Ann Romney's uterus! If things had gone the other way, you'd be trading erectile dysfunction jokes in the Great Beyond with Anne Boleyn, or something. But what about POTUS?

Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.

Ha, ha, yes, President Obama's sperm is just the worst! Daughter-producing junk, with nary a Tagg to be found. How much more of this article, which reads as if Richard Coyle's character from "Coupling" was invited to write a political column, can I possibly take? This much more:

Saleh al-Rajhi, billionaire banker, left behind 61 children when he cashed out last year. We don’t do harems here, of course, but Romney is exactly the kind of guy who in another time and place would have the option of maintaining one. He’s a boss. Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status.

Mitt Romney, by the way, would not last even one day "roaming the veldt." I am pretty sure that he would have a complete nervous breakdown at the sight of a callus.

Anyway, according to Williamson, "From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote," because of his musk, or something? (This is where Rafalca comes in, I guess.)

Here is a video of The Hold Steady performing their song "Girls Like Status." If you can contemplate either Mitt Romney or Kevin Williamson hanging out in this milieu, then I congratulate you on your rich, imaginative inner life. See you in Ybor City, Mittens.

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