Before polls closed on Tuesday, Mitt Romney revealed that he had prepared a full acceptance speech that he planned to read at his victory rally later that night. It might have gone something like this:
*"Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent begins playing and Mitt Romney emerges from behind a curtain, confidently walking towards the podium*
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you -- yes, clapping is a great way to display the emotion of happiness -- thank you.
My assistant just got off the phone with Barack Obama, and I was told the president conceded. Good for him. I want to congratulate him on running a campaign.
But onto more important things, tonight represents a gigantic leap forward for our nation back to traditional values. Principles that once made this nation great: Marriage is between one man and one woman; poor people should die of curable diseases; prohibition.
A country once at risk of progressing into the 21st century has made its voice heard and said that the only way to best govern our diverse and evolving population is to increase the government's control over our bodies and decrease the government's control over our guns. In this way we can reflect the true vision of the Founding Fathers, or at least the one who shot a guy during a duel while in office.
Whether you're white or Caucasian, a man or have a Y chromosome, this election was about fighting for your rights so that we may continue to be the greatest nation to ever exist in the history of the earth, cosmos, universe or otherwise undiscovered universe. We're really good.
To secure this victory, the American public had to look past the pervasive lies of the liberal media, liberal fact checkers and the liberal non-partisan Tax Policy Center. They had to have the trust and foresight to know that what I said last about a topic is what I truly in my heart of hearts meant.
We worked together because this was a mission we believed in. I have dedicated so much to securing this office because I, like you, believe that the government is mostly useless and wasteful. It is an entity incapable of creating the one thing that this country needs most: jobs. And this is why I pledged to create 12 million jobs as president. Along this campaign trail, the liberal media has pestered me asking how I can create these jobs? To them I ask, "How is the sky blue?" The answer of course is that this is the United State of America, the greatest nation that can, will or ever should exist, past, present or future, forever and ever.
This election came down to the people deciding America deserves less. Less government, less taxes and less whatever it is exactly taxes pay for. The people agreed that the last four years have been the absolute worst of our lives. And we all knew that this country kind of sucks right now, but can get better because it's the best.
The decision-makers were people like Frank [Make up a last name]. Just last Wednesday, I made a pit stop in Ohio, where I spoke to an auto worker named Frank. He personally thanked me for jumping ahead of the mainstream media and calling out Jeep for moving their factories to China. Frank and I agreed that airing ads publicizing this was a responsible choice regardless of the validity of the claim because we understood that this country needs jobs, and the creation of that ad took three or possibly even four people who otherwise wouldn't be working probably.
I've had several concerned citizens come up to me throughout this campaign asking important questions and seeking advice. They'd ask me if I planned to stand up for traditional values. They'd ask where my years of undisclosed tax returns were. And they asked me if I could heal this deeply divided nation. Tonight, I can safely say that the answer to all these questions is a resounding "Yes!"
Now is the time to stop apologizing for America, except to Israel, who we owe a major apology to. Israel is our good friend, ally and Soviet Russia's only gateway to the sea. A strong Israel is a strong freedom in America.
You elected me president to end this war on women. And I know I'm the man for this job because not only do I know women, but my own mother was a woman. It has been reported that women working full-time make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. As president, I promise to search far and wide, using every rolodex at my disposal, to find women worthy of making at least 90 cents for every dollar a man makes.
To my dear friends: Thank you for your support, and best of luck with your NASCAR teams.
As I have said, I will be a president for 100 percent of Americans, but especially the 47 percent who need my guidance and direction most. I hope to serve as an inspiration for what's possible with hard work, good faith and an affluent upbringing that provided as many resources as possible to ensure my success.
Congressman Ryan, I mean 'Vice President' Ryan [pause for laughter], plan to get right to work, repealing Obamacare, lowering the tax burden on the nation's middle class making over $500,000 and determining exactly what we agree on.
Now last but absolutely not least, there's someone special I want to thank. This is a person who stood by me all campaign, through thick and thin, and I just don't see how I could have done this without them: Shelden Adelson. We did it!
Oh and quickly about how my budget thing will work: No more schools, police departments, bridges or running water.
God bless you and God bless America!