SIOUX FALLS S.D. (AmericanNewsX)--Descendants of a decimated herd of mid-20th century Liberal Republicans have been discovered living in Northwestern Canada. Long believed extinct, they were located by scientists who found ancient "Rockefeller for President" campaign pinbacks scattered on the now-thawing tundra.
Liberal Republicans were hunted to near-extinction in the late 1960s. Most joined investment banks and adopted conservative principles to fit in. The few survivors fled north to Canada and eventually mated with runaway Reagan Republicans, creating offspring genetically suited for arms trading, yet able to compromise their principles on a whim.
"These are not today's Republicans," cautioned scientist Lev Bariakov, "They care about getting things done."
The 94 Liberal Republicans who will return are said to be free of disease and dementia. "Strict constructionism, the disorder found among earlier herds of lost Goldwater supporters, is absent from these descendants," reassured Bariakov.
The plan is to introduce these Liberal Republicans into major American cities under cover as part-time Uber drivers. "The hope," according to Bariakov, "is that they will interbreed with the more prevalent but less fertile Tea Partiers resulting in a more moderate Party."
This reclamation project is funded by the Republican National Committee.