Can I get a fair trial before you throw the book at me? I'd like a plea bargain. I have six children, you know. Shouldn't fathers also be persecuted for being an accomplice? They know where the ballpoint pens are kept, too!
Yesterday, my last (sixth!) child dragged out my firstborn's "stuffed so full it's tied shut with a ribbon" keepsake book to compare with her own minuscule 1/8 inch thin "baby pamphlet" as evidence of my crime. She's lucky to have gotten any handwritten documentation out of me at all. I could've just shoved some loose teeth, a lock of hair and a stray bootie in an empty Lucky Charms cereal carton and called it Sentimental Creative License.
May I present Exhibit A below? The essential Family Tree found on the first page of all self-priding Memory Books, filled out in my prettiest cursive for Baby #1's book.
And now, for my last child's memory book, we have the version I'm most proud of. What an original family heirloom this will be!
As I further compare and contrast (to assert my innocence), my firstborn's documentation would normally be written in blue font, whereas Sixth Child's info (what little there is) should have been noted in pink font. This also reflects gender, so the Creative Memory Scrapbooking company would be so proud of me. But alas, here I must put First Child's info inside a special box.
Just Like This Box!
I'm sure that will make my sixth child feel even more overlooked. We just won't show this Huffington Post blog to her. Problem solved.
BABY'S NAME: Benjamin
SIGNIFICANCE OF NAME: Your Dad and I bonded over watching actor Benjamin Bratt in the television series "Law & Order." On our honeymoon, we kissed in front of the Big Ben clock in London!
BABY'S NAME: LACY
SIGNIFICANCE OF NAME: I wanted to remember my favorite vintage blouse, which got ruined when morning sickness made me vomit all over the Chantilly appliqué collar and sleeves. Tsk, Tsk!
HOW LABOR BEGAN: Shopping for nursery furniture, I felt a mild twinge, so we rushed to the hospital. The nurses thought we were so cute and sent us back home three different times until the pains came closer together.
HOW LABOR BEGAN: At Disneyland, my water broke on Splash Mountain. Nobody believed me. Your siblings insisted we stay for the Electrical Light Parade. Sitting curbside (writhing in pain), I was suddenly seized by a huge contraction, causing me to kick an extension cord out of an outlet. The entire park plunged into darkness.
THESE WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS WERE PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTH: Nana, Papa, Aunt Carol, Uncle Gary, Great Grandma Ethel, my wonderful obstetrician Dr. Pransky and of course, Daddy!
THESE WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS WERE PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTH: Pluto and two dwarfs.
FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL: A darling lavender polka dotted poodle displayed in a doghouse on your dresser.
FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL: A cute dust bunny that hangs out under your crib.
And now in keeping with tradition, the classic page with my firstborn's preserved hand and foot prints:
Though not depicted below, my sixth baby does possess a complete set of hands and feet. I thought leaving that part to the imagination added a nice touch of mystery!
YOUR FIRST SOLID FOOD: Mashed banana, rice puree and strained spinach
YOUR FIRST SOLID FOOD: A piece of What's His Name's Big Mac, french fries, a diet coke.
FIRST WORDS: Mama, Dada, light, doggy, ball, cookie, more!
FIRST WORDS: Help! Valium, postpartum depression, Crème Brûlée, Weight Watchers!
YOU BEGAN TO USE YOUR HANDS AT: Six months THIS IS WHAT YOU DID: You reached out tentatively for a colorful rattle shaped like a butterfly!
YOU BEGAN TO USE YOUR HANDS AT: Two years
THIS IS WHAT YOU DID: You shoved a Sharpie and this baby memory book into my arms and looked expectantly into my eyes.
Story time together is such a delight. Here are your favorite books and now they're mine, too!
1. Pat the Bunny 2. Green Eggs & Ham 3. Where The Wild Things Are! 4. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie!
I'm so sick of your stupid books, I've changed up the titles for interest. Also, you're getting more astute and have started wondering why every book consists of only two pages and then we chant triumphantly "The End!" Here's your faves:
1. Splat The Bunny 2. Green Eggs & Spam 3. Where the Reviled Things Are! 4. If You Think Your Mom is Kooky!
FIRST LULLABYE: "Rockabye Baby"! I sing this to you in the beautiful oak rocking chair!
FIRST ALIBI: I couldn't have sung to you because I became tone deaf. Plus, we used the rocking chair for kindling wood during a family camp out.
FIRST OUTING: We went to the park and you experienced your very first swing.
FIRST SHOUTING: You got to listen to your dad and I argue over how I parallel park and experienced my first mood swing.
And the last page of any baby book always ends with a poignant look at their independence -- they aren't infants anymore!
FIRST WALK: You took three steps and we all applauded for you!
FIRST WAVED: You're off to preschool already -- turned and waved to me "Bye-bye!" Good job! Where did all the time go??
(OK, so there were some "small time gaps" in Sixth Child's book, but I DID finish her last page recently.)
FIRST JOCK: You're a cheerleader now dating the high school quarterback!
FIRST SHAVED: Your legs look so smooth and silky! You're off to college already? "Bye-bye!" Good job! Where did all the time go??
Now I admit there may be some substantiated claims of my lazy ways. So sue me! But don't be surprised if I throw myself on the mercy of the court, claiming self-defense and get off with just a light warning.
You can find more parenting humor on Author's Blog Right Here.