Mommy Bloggers Delighted to Learn We Will Determine Outcome of Next Election. Also, Confused.

We've been hearing a lot lately about the importance of securing the swing votes of "Walmart Moms" and mommy bloggers. Apparently, we have replaced soccer moms as the important demographic to capture.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

We've been hearing a lot lately about the importance of securing the swing votes of "Walmart Moms" and mommy bloggers. Apparently, we have replaced soccer moms as the important demographic to capture. As go mommies, so goes the nation.

And being that we are mommy bloggers, we were thrilled to hear that we hold the reins of destiny and control the future of our nation. It makes us feel powerful and significant and windblown. But also slightly confused. Primarily because most moms we know are so overworked and exhausted that they can't control the next time they'll be able to return an email, use the bathroom or eat a meal. That's the key to understanding Moms: we simultaneously control everything and nothing.

We're a little bit concerned about who has bestowed us with the power to drive the result of this year's elections. Though, come to think of it, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise. After all, we drive everything else. The powers that be should consider that though we are intelligent, practical, multitasking machines of efficiency -- weeks may go by when we are completely oblivious to important world events. We can do six hours of work in the fifty-nine minutes the the baby naps, but don't ask us what Rahm Emanuel's imminent departure means for the President's domestic policy agenda. All you're going to get is blinking while we mentally compose our grocery lists and contemplate how little that has to do with our lives.

Come to think of it, maybe this is exactly why we should be the important swing votes. We keep all the trains running on time. We keep everyone fed, dressed and wiped. Without us, the world might fall over and deflate. So, to our potential leaders out there, let us tell you a few things you need to know in order to win the mommy blogger vote. Let's start with a discussion of the basics.

Things We Can All Agree Are Bad: Sex offenders, terrorists, cancer and Dora the Explorer.

Things We Can All Agree Are Good: Caffeinated beverages, silence, Jon Hamm and wine in a box.

Here are some platform issues you might want to consider that speak specifically to us and our concerns:

Health Care: Two words, my friends: Eradicate. Headlice. If you think this is a joke, you have never gotten that call from the school. The one that ends with you slamming the phone down and saying things that cause you to empty your wallet into the curse jar. Followed by the scratching that never ends.

Economics: We wish we had more money, too. One solution we are not considering is borrowing money from the same people who think extra lead paint in vitamins, formula and kids' toys is a swell idea.

Education: There needs to be good and safe schools. Because if schools are not good and safe, then kids need to stay home or attend horrifically expensive private schools. Horrifically expensive is not in the 2010 budget. That leaves us one option of all kids, all the time. And that leaves these mommies at the nervous hospital. No one wants that. That's lose/lose.

Taxes: We used to be full time moms who also went to work at an office, where we earned something called a salary. When we got paid, the government got paid. Now we just work one job at home that functions on a 24 hour cycle, where we get no sick leave or vacation, earn nothing and every April, you send us a check.

Foreign Policy: We have completely different political affiliations, but neither of us likes that man from Iran who never wears a tie, even at very important meetings. The following conversation illustrates:

Lydia: I don't like that guy Anck-Su-Namun or however you say it.

Kate: Uuhh , Lydia's Ahmadinejad.

Lydia: Whatever. Look, I'm pretty sure he was the mulch-throwing kid when he was seven. So, obviously mulch throwing kids with names of mummies turn out to be bad--

Kate: Gawd! Did you even SEE the movie? The mummy's name was Imhotep; Anck-Su-Namun was the pharoah's wife and Imhotep's girlfriend. They murdered the pharaoh and got cursed for all eternity, remember?

Lydia: I think you just made my argument for me.

If you are clever political operatives, you will figure out how to earn our votes. And failing that, you will strategically organize a wide-spread lice outbreak, confirming that all mothers of school-age children will be unable to vote -- as we'll all be standing in line at Walmart buying fine tooth combs, anti-nit treatments and boxes of wine. And we don't recall anti-nit treatments having a place in the discussion on health care reform.

Read other posts at