“So, how did it go?” I asked my friend.
She had just finished teaching a writing workshop. Her students were mostly women entrepreneurs, many of whom were juggling “work” and “writing” and “family,” trying to create time for all the big priorities.
“Great!” she said. “Although, several of the women who attended my workshop are dealing with some pretty big challenges.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Well,” she continued. “Here’s one example: one woman has a very young daughter. A toddler. She told me that after she launched her business and started blogging, her daughter felt uneasy because mom was suddenly spending so much time on her computer. In fact, her daughter asked her, ‘Mommy, do you love your blog more than me?’”
My friend went on to explain that this question — “Mommy, do you love your blog more than me?” — rattled this working mom. She started to feel “guilty” whenever she sat down to work on her blog — which, of course, created major writer’s block! She was worried, of course, that her daughter would feel neglected or abandoned because of her work.
This is a common conundrum, especially for working parents.
You want a satisfying, meaningful career. You want to be an attentive, loving parent. Except, you can’t do both at the same time.
Or can you?
I would argue: yes, you can.
Your approach will depend on the age of your child (two year olds have a very different grasp on reality than twelve year olds, for example), but here are some universal guidelines to remember:
– Share your joy with your child.
If you’re brimming with excitement about a work or business project, call your child over, show them what you’re working on, and explain why you are so excited.
“Isn’t this amazing? Mommy just learned how to create an e-course! See all those names? Those are people who signed up to learn things from me! I’m so excited!”
– Get your child involved, when appropriate.
Inviting your child to help you make business decisions — even small ones — can help them to feel “included,” not abandoned.
“Which logo do you like better, sweetheart? The one with the blue letters? Or green?”
– Transition from family-mode to work-mode, gracefully.
If you’re spending quality time with your child, and your cellphone beeps to signal an incoming email, don’t abruptly “rip” yourself away from your child and bound into the other room to read it — especially if your child is very young.
Many parents don’t realize it, but an abrupt change like this is frightening to little ones (approximately ages 0 – 6), whose frame of reference tends to be “out of sight, out of mind” — as in, “if I can’t see you, you don’t exist.”
When it’s time to shift from family-mode to work-mode, do it slowly and explain what is happening.
“This has been fun! It’s time for dad to get back to work now. Let’s both focus on our projects and then read another story later.”
– Ask questions. (Calmly.)
If your child says something like, “Do you love your blog more than me?” or “Why do you care about work more than me?” try not to “react” (… even though it might feel like a knife in the gut).
Stay calm. Ask your child, “What makes you say that?”
Encourage your child to speak freely. Try to get to the root of this statement.
Is your child upset because you broke a promise (working on your computer when you promised to go out to the park)? Or feeling un-noticed because you’re always talking about work-related success to your friends, never talking about your kid’s success at school? Listen without interrupting.
Finish by reaffirming for your child, “Even when I’m working hard, or focused on a project, you’re always in my heart. You are my top priority. I’m sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think any differently. I love you very much.”
– Above all: be affectionate and present.
If you give your child lots of love, touch (hugs, snuggles) and attention — throughout each day — then your child’s “love-tank” is likely to be brimming.
He (or she) is not likely to be operating from a “deficit,” moving through life with unmet emotional needs. This means that when it is time for you to work, he (or she) is far less likely to feel upset.
By “showing up” for your child, every day, being affectionate and present, you’re teaching your child an essential lesson — there is no shortage of love around here. From this, your child can feel reassured that, "I have nothing to fear."
These are quite a few points to remember.
But if you take nothing else away from this post, take this:
Show your kids that you love them — daily.
No matter how “busy” you are, spend time with them, talk with them, share with them, teach them, play with them.
Expressing your love in this way — through quality time and shared experiences — can ensure that your child feels secure in your love.
With this feeling of security in place, your child is not likely to doubt your love based on anything you say or do.
Even when you’re out of the room, away from the house, or glued to your computer, your child will know:
“I am loved. Mom / Dad might be working right now, but that’s OK. We’ll be spending time together again, soon. They’re not going anywhere!”
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Dr. Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D., J.D., is a clinical psychologist, life coach, and author. She believes that it is never too late to become the person you want to be: Strong. Confident. Calm. Creative. Free of all of the burdens that have held you back—no matter what has happened in the past.
Her insights on personal growth have been featured on more than 200 radio programs, 260 TV interviews and online on Time, Forbes, Newsweek, Psychology Today, NBC's Today, The Daily Love, Positively Positive, and much more.
Dr. Gelb is the author of It Starts With You: A Guidebook for Parents on How to Raise Happy, Successful Kids by Becoming the Best Role-Model You Can Possibly Be.
To learn more, visit DrSuzanneGelb.com.
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Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always contact your qualified health provider before implementing or modifying any personal growth or wellness program or technique, and with any questions about your well-being.
Copyright © 2017 Dr. Suzanne Gelb, All rights reserved.