What Moms Who Had Postpartum Anxiety Want Their Partners To Know

May is Maternal Mental Health Month, so HuffPost Parenting and Wellness are shining a light on postpartum well-being. From how new moms handle those early days as parents while struggling with their own mental health to how to be there for friends and family, we’ve created a space for moms and their loved ones to feel seen and heard in those first trying months of parenthood. See the full series here.

The ups and downs of the postpartum period can be tough for any couple to navigate. But when the mother is dealing with debilitating anxiety, these challenges are intensified.

It’s estimated that 10% of women struggle with postpartum anxiety, according to Postpartum Support International. Other studies have suggested that number may be even higher at 20% to 25%.

Symptoms of PPA, as it’s sometimes referred to, may include constant and excessive worry (especially about the baby’s health and safety), obsessive or intrusive thoughts, feelings of dread, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite and difficulty concentrating, just to name a few.

All of this can put additional strain on a couple’s relationship during an already stressful time. Partners who educate themselves about postpartum mental health, listen, show patience and compassion, and find ways to ease the burden can be a tremendous source of support to new moms.

To that end, we asked women who have dealt with PPA what they wish their partners understood about the condition and their experience with it. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Researching the condition before the baby came would have helped you learn what signs to look for.

Even when I was awake, I suffered from intrusive thoughts about every terrible thing that could happen to my baby. I couldn’t make myself share all of this, even with my loving, supportive partner. I wish he had somehow known how much fear I was living with. I know he could have helped me reach out to people who could help me.” — Katie Cloyd, writer

3. It was difficult for me to articulate what I was feeling and what I needed from you.

“Knowing what I know now, it should have been part of my birth plan to talk with a mental health professional. Instead, I suffered in silence and struggled with being a new mom. I had trouble articulating to my husband what I needed and what I was going through.

Transitioning from pregnancy to postpartum suffocates us mothers with raw emotions. Oftentimes I couldn’t find the words because there was a lack of understanding and a disconnect between my husband and me. Only one of us experienced hormonal changes — and that alone is difficult to explain.” — Tonya Gooch Mann, @thepostpartumeffect on Instagram

4. The anxiety manifested as a need for control and wanting to do everything myself.

“I wish partners knew this controlling behavior is not a criticism of them or their parenting abilities. It actually has nothing to do with them. Rather, it’s about how the present moment in parenting brings up feelings of uncertainty and powerlessness from our past. It is a cry for help.” — Cath Counihan, psychotherapist and writer behind @psychotherapy_mum on Instagram

5. My irritability and edginess felt impossible to rein in.

“It was like I’d turned into a puffer fish or a porcupine. One seemingly small move, comment or sound and — poof! — I’d prickle out and sting those around me with my words or a look. I had developed a negative reflex to everything and anything, and it was all-consuming. It controlled me.” — Emily Adler Mosqueda, creator of @postpartum365 on Instagram

6. When I snapped at you in frustration, please know that it wasn’t your fault.

“My husband was my ally and did everything he could to help me. But my frustration with PPA and all my symptoms, like agitation and anger, was often taken out on him unapologetically. I think he spent much of that season believing he was to blame. So if I could go back in time to when my symptoms started, I would tell him that nothing was his or the kids’ fault. He wasn’t the cause of my PPA at all.” — Melissa Campos, @mommothermama on Instagram

7. Supportive gestures — even small ones — meant more than you know.

“I wish partners knew that extending support by touching and making eye contact is really helpful. Putting a hand on our shoulder or arm and saying, ‘You are doing so well’ or ‘You are having a really hard time’ makes us feel so seen and acknowledged. I have taught my partner to do this for me now at times of stress like bath time.” — Counihan

8. I needed to be reminded that the distressing thoughts in my head were not based in reality.

“When I was experiencing postpartum anxiety with my first child I was equating my ability to handle my anxiety with my ability to mother my child. In hindsight, three babies later, I wish my partner had known about this damaging inner dialogue so he could have reminded me that what my anxiety was telling me was not reality.

As first-time moms, I think many of us believe that experiencing postpartum anxiety or depression is a failure rather than a chemical or hormonal response. We question whether we are even ‘meant to be mothers’ because the commonly held belief about motherhood is that it is beautiful, natural and instinctual. It is beautiful, yes, but I think it’s more raw than anything. Women are trying to find their way back to wholeness over a longer period of time than many might expect.” — Jess Procter, parenting blogger and @north_west_jess on Instagram

9. Sleep and rest played a huge role in helping to manage my anxiety.

“While adjusting to new parenthood, it can be a major struggle to try to get enough sleep and rest. When anxiety sets in, it can appear that we feel just fine and are not as exhausted as we actually are. My partner was not familiar with the signs so he thought I was fine doing all the things. In reality, I was falling down the depleted anxiety rabbit hole. Also, if self-care isn’t happening while mom is taking care of everyone else and not herself, encourage and provide time for rest and self-care to happen.” — Elexa Martinez, @austinmombudget on Instagram

10. No, I couldn’t just ‘snap out of it.’ Getting better took time and effort.

“When I first started realizing what was wrong and getting help thanks to my doctor and my own internet research, I felt like my partner and some others thought I was using the condition as an excuse for how I acted. I feel like they still thought I could just ‘snap out of it’ and stop how I was acting immediately. They eventually saw that slowly, over time, I got better with medication, therapy, journaling, taking better care of myself mentally and physically, support from others, etc. They saw my relationship with my daughter improve, they saw my marriage improve and now they see me trying to educate others. Most are very supportive now.” — Amanda Dodson Gremillion, author and host of the podcast “Just Buy Her a Dress and She’ll Be Fine”

11. I missed the old me just as much as you did.

“Even though my partner is male and just didn’t ‘get it’ (though he tried, bless him!), I wanted him to understand the chaotic feelings I was experiencing after I had each baby and how difficult it is to navigate the constantly changing waves of emotions as our hormones slowly stabilize after being pregnant for so long. I felt so far away from the person I was before the baby arrived and just didn’t know how to find my way back to that rational person from the hormonal and sometimes angry person I had become.