In a group press conference convened yesterday, the following aides to the Governor announced their intentions to resign:
Laura Parsons, Assistant to the assistant to the junior trainee to the press secretary: Ms. Parsons attributed her resignation to "a very real chance" that she would be next in line to fill the official press secretary's position, something that, in good conscience, she had "absolutely no idea" how to do.
Ms. Parsons went on to say that she'd "rather not have 'shitshow' be the only entry on her resume," and that she'd "heard that the Panera in the mall is hiring."
Jenna Garske, Intern reporting to Miss Parsons: Miss Garske noted that "this internship sucks anyway - totally boring," and that a public resignation, "for totally legitimate reasons - I'm even taking, like, the moral high ground here," would likely result in her father continuing to pay for her apartment as well as a small allowance throughout the rest of the summer without her being forced "to wake up, like, sooooo early."
"So kegger at my place tonight, WOOOOO!" she finished, lifting her blouse.
Gil Chisolm, Barber: In a prepared statement, Chisolm cited "not wantin' any trouble at my shop - this is a good, honest shop," and noted that if he continued in the governor's service he feared he would feel compelled to take advantage of the governor's visual impairment in order to "give him the sort of mop he deserves."
Ms. Parsons' second-string intern, recently promoted to acting press secretary, commented that "Gil will be missed," adding that " from what I understand, the Governor means that very literally, in a 'gone missing' sort of way. What? Why wasn't I supposed to say that? Does anyone need coffee?"
Jill Peters, Nanny: Ms. Peters spoke very briefly, stating only that "he won't even give me the Friday before Christmas off when I request it three months in advance, but he'll give that guy a pass on wife-beating? Bullshit. Total bullshit."
Michael Winters, Occasional Shoe-Shiner: Winters was careful to note that he and the Governor were no longer linked, that he had in fact barely ever known the Governor, and when he had, it was only as an infrequent customer, and that therefore there really would be no reason to believe that they had in the past, were currently, or intended in the future to collude in any way.
He finished rather cryptically by noting that the bruises on his wife's wrists, arms, and whole "facial region" were "from when she fell down the stairs," and that last time he asked, there were no existing copies of reports indicating anything to the contrary.
Muhammad Sethi, Taxi Driver: Though Sethi only ever drove Mr. Paterson once, as a "random pickup at the airport maybe ten years ago," he felt that he had been asked to perform his duties "on the basis of false premises," namely that someone wearing that nice of a suit would tip decently.
Eliot Spitzer, former Governor: Mr. Spitzer spoke only briefly, stating that he wished to "officially sever any remaining ties" to Governor Paterson, citing fears that failing to do so could "deeply harm his reputation."