This week in our world, Curious George learned how to dust the curtain rods by scaling the drapes, that band of kids that seemingly would all have different jobs did something awesome for someone and then sang about it with a bunch of smaller children that looked eerily like them. [Why does this not seem to bother our actual children?] and Captain Huggy Face made it a good week by dancing out the word "astonishment." And, frankly, after what's been happening in the "real world" over the past seven days, we're pretty astonished too. Astonished that we think we were better off just sticking with the monkey. Because humans seems to have lost their ever lovin' minds.
This week in Stuff That Happens in the World While We Were Watching Nickelodeon:
DIDN'T YOU SEE FOOTLOOSE?
Because our esteemed members of Congress have continued to act like petulant 5-year-olds, we are now two days away from the United States being closed. That's nice. Dear Congress, Remember when Ren was in that game of chicken on a tractor and the only reason he won was because his shoelace was wrapped around the pedal? And then the other dude jumped off his tractor and it went into the ravine. Yeah, that tractor is our economy. So, thanks. Super. Now we have to go get a new one. Do you also remember that the other dude got his ass kicked at the end of the movie? And then we all danced? Yeah, that was the best part. Think about that.
You may want to re-think your Spring Break plans. The National Transportation Safety Board has been busy this week flying all over creation to investigate planes that are shedding their outer layers like a molting snake. The NTSB is now investigating all 737s for similar design flaws. Boeing, the maker of these planes, said they figured the joints holding the skin in place on their jetliners would begin to wear, but just not this soon. Umm, what? "Look, we just thought that people would really enjoy a convertible plane...just not until summer. Plus, we wanted it to be a surprise."
President Obama dispatched Vice President Foot-In-Mouth to give a couple back to back speeches this week. The first, to rally the faithful as POTUS announced his 2012 Election Kickoff. The second, to somberly eulogize veteran news journalist David Broder. We expect that those two speeches were kept very far away from each other. While charming, Joe has a tendency to, you know, possibly say the wrong things at the wrong times.
WAITING FOR BABY
In Celebrity News, Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Somebody, said this week that while he's ready to go for when his wife gives birth to their twins this month, he may be having some second thoughts about the naked photos he and Mariah took to commemorate her pregnancy. He confessed to People Magazine that the pictures are "...a little nasty" even though he intends to hang them in his home. Cannon said he has misgivings about his children seeing the pictures, saying that "It's a little weird. I mean, have you ever seen your parents naked?" We have to go with a solid NO on this one, Nick. That's just one more way you're completely different from the rest of the world. Also, that there's a decent chance you'll be in the delivery room standing outside your wife's vagina with a giant butterfly net.
In the land of Crazy, Charlie Sheen took to the stage in Detroit on his Comedy Tour and bombed. People walked out after fifteen minutes. Then he went to Chicago and rocked the joint. Now he's off to Cleveland. On the other side of the world in Libya, Colonel More-and-More-Get-Off-Me ran to Tripoli on his Psychotic Despot Tour and bombed people. Now he wants to go to Italy and rock a joint. We expect that eventually he'll show up in Cleveland to hang out with Charlie Sheen. We also hope expect that the lovely people of Cleveland will finally put an end to all of this nonsense. THANK YOU CLEVELAND. Tip your waitresses. Good Night!
How to vote
Vote-by-mail ballot request deadline: Varies by state
For the Nov 3 election: States are making it easier for citizens to vote absentee by mail this year due to the coronavirus. Each state has its own rules for mail-in absentee voting. Visit your state election office website to find out if you can vote by mail.Get more information
In-person early voting dates: Varies by state
Sometimes circumstances make it hard or impossible for you to vote on Election Day. But your state may let you vote during a designated early voting period. You don't need an excuse to vote early. Visit your state election office website to find out whether they offer early voting.My Election Office
General Election: Nov 3, 2020
Polling hours on Election Day: Varies by state/localityMy Polling Place